Whoops, Spoiler Alert!
Because I am a saint who loves to save other people time, as well as a super judgmental movie critic, I’ve figured out the entire plot line for several new movies that just came out, based on the previews alone. Now, you won’t have to actually sit through 2 hours of these pieces of crap in order to discuss them with your friends. Instead, I have summarized everything for you.
Currently Out
The Croods – An under appreciated ‘everyman’ relies only on steadfast determination and bravery to save his family from certain disaster. In doing so, he regains the respect of his boy crazy, shoe crazy teenage daughter. In addition, a small, fluffy character with no decipherable species or genus will provide constant comic relief and marketing revenue. Spoiler alert: Being forced to go to this movie will make you sorry you had children.
Olympus Has Fallen – An ex or current cop, who was somehow disgraced through no fault of his own, will single handedly save the country from terrorists. The president will be played by a nondescript white guy and Morgan Freeman will occasionally show up to offer sage advice. Spoiler alert: Gerard Butler’s facial expression will not change during the entire movie.
Oz the Great and Powerful – It has been said that the reason this movie is so awesome is because ‘it’s never been done before’. Well, except for when it was actually done before in 1939. The movie will rely on special effects and we will be forced to delve into the politics of Oz. This is exactly like what they did when they made the new Star Wars movies. The new Oz will have the one thing missing that made the first one wonderful; an excellent story. Spoiler alert: Essa will watch the movie on mute just so she can look at Mila Kunis. I’m not gay, but I would totally go gay for that chick.
Upcoming
The Host – Think Twilight, but replace vampires and werewolves with aliens. Essa predicts some kind of love triangle, and a clumsy girl with low self esteem who had no idea of her own inner strength. Expect a very drawn out trilogy where love overcomes all obstacles. Spoiler Alert: There’s really nothing to spoil.
Oblivion – Tom Cruise will play a man much younger than himself and make us all forget how short he is. Morgan Freeman will arrive, offer some sage advice, and possibly some random trivia about penguins. Tom Cruises’ love interest will be played by a girl half his age, and who is unknown, as Tom Cruise hates to share the spotlight. The moral of the story will be that scientologists were right all along. Spoiler Alert: Being the only black guy left on planet earth, Morgan Freeman’s character will probably not see the end of the movie.
The Evil Dead – The new remake will lack the gallows humor that made the original trilogy a cult hit. However, as any fan of the franchise knows, the only good movie in the Evil Dead Trilogy was Army of Darkness. As such, there is a good chance that today’s special effects will make this fourth installment take off in a way that the original never did. Spoiler Alert: If you were a fan of the original, you are really going to miss Bruce Campbell.
Never Should Haves
GI Joe – I love Bruce Willis as much as then next gal, but another GI Joe movie? Really? The only movie I’m interested in seeing is the one that recreates my childhood GI Joe experience. GI Joe gets his face melted with a magnifying glass on a hot summer’s day.
Jurassic Park – It’s not friggen new if you just add 3d to the old one. Seriously, Spielberg, it’s like you’re making fun of me.
Odd Thomas – I loved the books, but the movie was murdered as soon as Anton Yelchin got the lead. Seriously, what other movies credits did the guy have to his name? Oh yeah, he played a cartoon albino pirate who barely spoke in the straight to video “Pirates: Band of Misfits”. That clearly qualifies him to play a tortured clairvoyant, who was the lead in a large series of bestselling books.
So there you go. I’ve summarized all of the upcoming movies based on the 12 seconds I saw, so you won’t have to waste your time writing to various actors, demanding your money back. Might I suggest instead, that you all just stay home and watch Game of Thrones? This season is going to be a good one. Jaime gets his hand cut off, and both Robb and Prince Joffrey are going to die!
Whoops, spoiler alert.
