Aspy Heart (<3) a poemThere is not enough written...

Aspy Heart (<3) a poem
There is not enough written on Asperger's and love.
I am used to making my own things.
When I used to imagine what drugs felt like,I thought they must feel like falling in love.I was wrong. Drugs were a disappointment.When I imagine what heroine feels like,It must feel as good as being in love,Or better.Elsewise, why would anyone bother?
When I wonder if I'm happy,I often decide I must not be.Because I assume that all good feelingsmust be as overwhelming as my badElse they must not be real feelings.
When I am in love, I am in love fully,or not at all.Depends on the day.Depends on whether I've decided to love you.Or maybe it's out of my control.
It means I had to teach myself to express lovein ways that you could understand.It means I have to learn to hear lovewhen you express it the way you know.
I am always learning someone else's language.Waiting for the feelings to be steady and permanentand as powerful as my bad feelingsall the time.As trustworthy as my bad feelings.As consistent.As conjurable.
This poem needs an endingbut an ending never comes.No bookends or closed parentheses. The answers never materializein a satisfying end of file.
My heart is never open,For when it opens, it will bleed.But it never completely closes,either.