Q&A with Date Coach, Lani Klaphaak

As promised, I wanted to share the Q&A session I had with San Francisco-based Date Coach, Lani Klaphaak.  I was also able to shoot the interview on my flip cam so if you do not want to read and would prefer the just watch, you can do so here:

If you would like the verbatim, here it is:

Vitra: Tell me about yourself.

Lani: My business is called Social Studio Coaching. It’s relationship and dating coaching.  So I mostly work with people who are single and frustrated with their dating experience and who want to find a relationship.  People who aren’t having the experience that they want to have.  I work with an even split of both men and women.

Vitra: What was your road to becoming a coach?

Lani: I’ve always been fascinated by relationships and always been curious about the dynamics between people, and how they connect.  I have always ended up in lots of relationships.  My first relationship was in elementary school—we held hands once and would get nervous around each other and would hardly speak to each other.  I discovered coaching and went through my coaching certification program and it was just a natural niche for me to choose relationships and dating.

Vitra: What are the major frustrations of dating for men and women?

Lani:  For women, a lot of the frustrations are “Where are the men that I like? I can’t find them.” It’s also, “How do I get past a first date into a 2nd, 3rd, 4th date?” Also confidence and self-esteem comes up a lot.

For men, it’s similar with, “Where do I find women that I really like?” I work with a lot of really bright men who are in the tech industry – people who spend their whole day in their head.  So they have trouble switching from work mode to play mode, and just being more embodied and more interactive with other people. I work with men a lot about communication and body language.  How to use it to attract women.

Same goes with women, but I see that pattern less for them.  Another thing for both men and women is not really knowing what they are looking for.  So not being sure exactly what they want, what they want to find in a partner, and how they vision the relationship they want to create is not clear.  So I help people a lot with “What kind of relationship do you want to create? Who do you feel you could create that with?  What are the qualities people have that would be a good fit for you?”

Vitra: What would you say are common dating mistakes?

Lani: For women, the biggest mistake is that they are not as available or they don’t express their interest because we have been told and trained and conditioned to be really coy and to play games.  So even when women like men, they are not always expressing that they like them. A lot of it is out of shyness and not knowing what to do.  And it’s also about being vulnerable.  Relationships are inherently a vulnerable thing to be in. You have to put yourself out there, you have to expose yourself and be open to getting rejected. It’s a risk. So just not sharing they are interested.

For men, in San Francisco in particular—they are really passive here, they just don’t go after women.  They don’t show they like them.  It’s a culture where men are brought up to be really respectful of women, which is great, but men have a hard time walking that line between respect and pursuing a woman. Like go—go out, buy them a drink, follow up with a phone call right away.  You don’t have to wait for 3 days.

Vitra: What are some basic things men and women can do to improve their dating life?

Lani: Be open for connection.  We walk around with our earphones in and we’re on our iPhones, and we’re scared of making eye contact. And our body language is telling people we’re not available and don’t want to talk to them. Everyone is guilty of it.  But just the awareness – if you’re going to do it, know that you’re shutting yourself off and not available for connection.  And have it be a deliberate choice that you make.  And when you want to be open, be open so you’re available to the people around you so that you’re sending off the message.

Vitra: How can women feel more confident in dating?

Lani: This is such a huge question and one that takes a lot of work and there’s no quick fix. It’s doable. One of the places I start with clients is when do they feel most alive? When do they feel most themselves? When do they feel really in themselves in a good way—in their element.  What are those emotions they feel? What are the circumstances that create that confidence?  What are the activities?  Is it in a quiet space, is it in a loud, lively space? What are the conditions when they feel solid in who they are because that’s when we all shine and we feel the most grounded and when you can feel the most confidence.

Vitra: How does one person address whether the other is serious about a relationship?

Lani: I think it’s best to be direct and open and open up opportunities for dialogue about this stuff.  So,”Hey, I really enjoy spending time with you—how is it going with you?”  With online dating you’re laying it out there, you have the permission to do that, so you choose people based on what they are saying. When you meet someone offline, I think you can do it as soon as the first date, but again, you have to tune into the situation. What is the connection ready for? What’s going to be comfortable with this person?

By the third date I think you should address the question so beyond that, you don’t want to waste your time.  If you’re clear you want to have kids and get married, you should talk about that sooner, to know you’re making a good investment.

Vitra: Anything else you would say to people who are dating?

Lani: I think it’s so important to be vulnerable. Share what’s really happening to you, when it’s happening to you. Let someone in a little bit.  I think that vulnerability is going to help the dating process be more successful for everyone. But by being vulnerable we let other people in, and that’s when we make connections. We are living in a world consumed by technology, but it’s preventing us from intimacy as well.

That’s another thing—for people to be more aware of how much time they are spending on the phone.  Or on the computer and get off those things and meet people in person. And they can do that by using online websites to meet people in person.

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Have you experienced or not experienced the things Lani mentions above? Any tips you have stuck to in your dating life that makes a huge difference? Do tell!

Vitra