How To Build A D/s Rule That Doesn’t Fall Apart Three Days Later

[Hey, everybody -- posted this earlier this week on FL, inspired by a question on one of the forums.  Oh, and hi! -- Lily]

When I started exploring All Things Kink, my partner and I, in a fit of enthusiasm, made about a zillion rules. In general, they fell into three categories:

They sounded hot in theory, but in practice, they were pointless and annoyed us both.
It was difficult to figure out when they applied or who was in charge of figuring out if it was followed.
If they didn’t actually conflict with each other, they generally had little to do with each other, so they didn’t reflect any particular feeling or direction we wanted in our relationship.

So, you might ask: Are we stupid?! No, but like most people, we don’t do our best thinking with our clothes off The end result of trying to implement all these rules at once was that our confidence in each other and in our ability to build a dynamic that worked for us took a nosedive (cue many questions on Novices & Newbies and a moderate amount of handwringing blog posts from yours truly).

Rules seem simple — and often rules are intended to simplify — but when you take a closer look at them, even the simplest rule has more moving parts than you might think. When does it apply? Who’s in charge of monitoring and reporting it? What happens when it’s broken?

So, learn from my mistakes! Here’s a few tips on…

How To Build A D/s Rule That Doesn’t Fall Apart Three Days Later!

In general, I want every rule I implement to meet the three following conditions:

One, it brings the two of us closer together.


Two, it helps us build a dynamic we both want.


Three, adding the rule to our relationship enhances the well-being of both partners.

But once you think you’ve got a rule that satisfies all three of those conditions, then what? Here are some things that have really created successful rules for me:

One Rule At A Time

My experience is that a rule is more likely to succeed on those three points above if you give it some exclusive focus when the rule is brand new. Try to refrain from implementing more than one rule at once: implement a rule and give yourselves some time to get good at practicing it before adding another one.

Don’t ‘Hire’ A New Rule Without An Audition

Establish a trial period for the rule — a day, a couple of weeks. I travel a lot for work and I’m a big fan of “out of town tryouts” for a new rule; my partner and I will have a day or two with few distractions to focus on this new thing we’re trying out (and a nice big hotel bed to retire to if the rule we’re auditioning turns out to have…ahem…interesting effects!).

Figure out The ‘Overhead’ Of A Rule Up Front

If a submissive kneels in the forest, and no one is there to see it, is it really kinky? There are few things more deflating to an s-type than carrying out a rule (or not carrying it out) and realizing their D-type doesn’t know or care. And there are few things that annoy me as a D-type more than rules that build in a “gotcha” dynamic where I have to “catch” my s-type screwing up. I want my s-type to succeed at what she does! You have to figure out the reporting and monitoring for a rule — who reports, how, and when — up front for a rule to succeed (there’s a link down below that gives you lots of options for this).

Don’t Let Rules Fade Away — Take Them Out Back And Shoot Them

“Oh, we did it for awhile, but then…I don’t know what happened, but it just kind of petered out,” is not the kind of statement that inspires confidence on either side of the slash, is it? Re-evaluate rules regularly, and if they aren’t working or you’re not doing them, RETIRE THEM. Actually say, out loud and with words, that the rule is no longer in force. It’s a good time to propose a trial run for a new rule, actually.

Even simple rules turn out to have quite a few moving parts when you look closer. If you want to build a rule that works, and you’re the kind of nerd that thinks OMG DOWNLOADABLE PRINTABLE CHECKLIST SWOON!, A) you are my kinda people and B) I’ve put together a rules worksheet that will help you avoid implementing rules that don’t work and get right to creating rules together that make your relationship hotter and sexier and happier. It’s right here. Enjoy!

Lily Lloyd is the author of Discipline: Adding Rules and Discipline to Your Kinky Relationship, a book about making kinky relationships work.