Why Are You Still Single?

***WARNING TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS, THIS POST CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT INFORMATION ABOUT ME THAT YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD NEVER KNOWN SHOULD YOU CONTINUE TO READ. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.***

“Why are you still single?”

I’ve gotten this question at least once a week since my tits came in.

If you’ve ever asked it before, don’t feel bad. I truly believe there is some deep down, biological urge for most people to ask a reasonably attractive, relatively intelligent woman why she is not paired up and producing more reasonably attractive, relatively intelligent babies. Let’s face it, the world is only getting stupider and we need all the intelligent people we can get.

However, in response to this question, I am going to borrow a quote from one of my characters who got the same question.

“I have a shitty personality and I’m not much to look at. Can we move on?” ~ Angelica Salvatori of Strangely Sober

When someone asks me ‘why are you still single’ I feel like they’re really asking me ‘what’s wrong with you?’ My answer? So many things…

Truth be told, the reason I’m still single is because I have yet to meet an attractive man that I could have a conversation with that did not make me want to shove a screwdriver in my ear. When I do meet a man who can banter, he is either not remotely attractive to me, or he is lousy in bed.

Let me break down the timeline of an Essa relationship for you.

Step 1 – The Attraction

I know I’ll probably get some people saying “honestly, I didn’t feel attracted to my husband/boyfriend at first but now, he’s my soul mate.” My answer? No he’s not. He’s the dude you settled for and the only reason you’re with him is because he was the best guy you thought you could get at the time. I am going to put money on the fact that you will be cheating on him within the next two years.

Ask any long term married couple, sexual attraction doesn’t grow; it declines. In the beginning, you’re attracted to a person, but over the years, as you get used to them, no matter how attractive they are, that pretty face means less. What you do develop is a level of comfort and contentment, not sexual attraction. I get comfort and contentment from chocolate and the movie ‘Serenity’. I don’t need it from my mate.

I dated a guy I wasn’t attracted to in the past. As funny and charming as he was, the second he put his hands on me or went in for a kiss, I felt a cold dread grow in my stomach. I eventually broke up with him in a horrible way and made him miserable. He wrote angst filled country songs that he slipped under my door for months. It was not a good time and I will never again date a guy I am not attracted to.

Step 2 – The Banter

Conversation is the most important thing in the world to me. I actually have a low attraction threshold, demanding that any guy I talk to be a minimum of a 6 (my own level of attractiveness). It’s not hard to be a six. Just wear nice clothes and go to the gym occasionally.

For conversation, you must be able to hold your end. There is nothing more exhausting than talking to someone who is not giving anything back. After a while, I just assume they are not interested and walk away. If I use a big word and you give me a blank look, I’m walking. If I mention an Eddie Murphy movie from the 80’s and you’ve never heard of it, I’m walking. Seriously, I have nothing to say to a person who can’t appreciate the comedic genius that is “Coming to America” or “Trading Places.”

Step 3 – The Sex Test

This is where the majority of contenders fail. Essa Alroc breaks a cardinal rule when it comes to dating. She sleeps with guys before she is in a relationship with them. Why?

Why the hell not? Why would I want to waste a bunch of time developing a relationship with someone, only later to learn that they are lousy in bed? I am 32 years old and I date guys in my age range. If they are lousy in bed by the time they reach this age range, then they require a level of instruction that I don’t feel like giving.

All the relationship experts out there say ‘wait until the third date’ or ‘wait until you’re in a monogamous relationship’. Here the thing ladies; if a guy is REALLY interested in you, then it’s not going to matter if you fuck him on date 1, or if you fuck him on date 37. He’ll stick around. If he’s only in it for sex, then he’ll walk away as soon as he gets in your pants, regardless of when he gets into them. I’d much prefer they walk away before I develop an attachment if that’s the case.

Most guys fail the sex test, but I can’t really blame them. Actually, I blame the women that were there before me. Ladies, another request? Please STOP FAKING ORGASMS! You are giving men positive reinforcement for doing something WRONG, which will train them to continue doing things WRONG.

Faked orgasms are the reason that guys continue to try the jackhammer or rectal fingering. It doesn’t feel good and I don’t like it, but some stupid bitch before me gave the idiot the idea that it felt great because she released a screaming, howling fake orgasm when he did it with her. Fake orgasms do women everywhere a disservice and need to be discontinued immediately.

So, there you have it. The reason I’m still single. The men I meet either aren’t attractive to me, lack the ability to carry on a conversation, or are terrible in bed. There is only one way this reasoning can be summed up, and it comes in the most overused cliché possible, with a slight twist.

Men of America, it’s not me…it’s you.