Sasquatch: “Don’t Call Me Bigfoot”

DEVILS ELBOW, CALIFORNIA—  Sasquatch has a big problem with being called “Bigfoot.”

The painfully shy forest-dweller is finally speaking on the record. He prefers to be addressed by his full name, Lorenzo P. Sasquatch III, or Sasquatch for short. Not Bigfoot. The nickname, it seems, was given to him by less-than-kind classmates in grade school, and — like many nicknames – stuck.

“It all started with my first growth spurt. My feet came in before the rest of me. So in fourth grade, I was 4 feet tall with size 96EEE feet. And…you know how kids are. Now that I’m 10 feet tall, everything’s in proportion. It is hard for me to find shoes, which is why I go barefoot most of the time”, he explained to a reporter. But after over 50 years, he’s had it with hearing about their enormous size all the time.

“I did tell Leonard Nimoy about it when they came to film that ‘In Search Of…’ episode.  He was very sympathetic. You know, he still has to hear about Spock ears everywhere he goes. He said I should just put up with it, that if people knew it bothered me they’d just use it even more. But really, enough is enough.”