a life-changing decision

I spent the afternoon lying prone, first in the dentist’s chair and then in the hygienist’s chair – which wasn’t as comfortable and messed my hair.It was an interesting exercise – one that sent me speeding home to smile in the mirror and then look for my calculator. More of that in a minute. The object of the session was to analise what work I needed doing and compute the cost. (Of course, I didn’t actually see any brochures lurking in the dentist’s office, but I am sure one look in my mouth and he was planning a long summer cruise.)You eventually become aware that something of a very serious nature is happening in your mouth when the dentist, from behind the white mask, starts spouting numbers followed by a series of sonorous umsand ahs. So alarming is the noise, you immediately and surreptitiously begin to scan your bank balance on your mobile phone and apply for an overdraft, in the hope that if you handover enough dosh, your dentist will correct the problem. A problem, may I add, of which you were unaware until the dentist started umming and ahing.  At the end comes a long and very expensive discussion about what can be done and about plaque. For those unclear as to the meaning of the word plaque; plaque in the singular is the dirty brown stuff that supposedly clings to your teeth, sets up decay and gum rot. Plaque in the plural, i.e. plaques, are pretty little objet d’art, a bit kitsch, usually made of porcelain (there are cheaper versions made of pottery) which cling to the walls of your hall or sitting room.
Apparently, according to the list of numbers the dentist was calling out, I had got plenty of the former.
Were you aware that eating food causes plaque which rots your teeth, inflames the gums and costs a lot? Worse, its causes gum disease, which leads to bone loss, receding gums and loose teeth, which costs a lot more to put right.Rather like the old lady that swallowed a fly …. She got suckered in too.So, after careful consideration of my bank balance which tends to be devoid of zeros much of the time, I agreed to visit the hygienist.
‘Starches, carbohydrates are worst,’ I was told. ‘Foods, like bananas, are worse even than sweets. You know, things that leave a coating on your teeth.  And if you have to eat sweets, it is better to eat them all at once – and then clean your teeth.' Hey, hang on. I’m not having that. The whole point of sweets and chocolate – I use them as an anti-depressant – is that they leave a yummy taste in your mouth, which helps maintain an equable and friendly outlook, provided it is regularly topped up by another piece of chocolate.And you want to me to go and clean my teeth?
‘Then there’s yoghourt …’Yoghourt? Alarm bells began to flash.I waited while the hygienist moved round the chair to begin removing plaque (singular) from my top teeth.‘Yoghourt is acid. Too much and it erodes the teeth – like drinking Coke all day.’‘Oh’ I said alarmed, thinking about my morning banana and my evening pudding of yoghourt, which I eat in the misguided belief that they are doing me good.
‘What foods don’t cause plaque?’ I said when I could open my mouth again. ‘Protein. Tribes that only eat meat usually don’t have any decay in their teeth.’I waited.‘Of course, they probably suffer bowel cancer, liver failure, and childhood rickets from lack of vegetables.’Ah ha! I just knew there’d be a downside. I waited and thought, listening to the plaque (singular again) tumble out of my mouth.‘To sum up,’ I said thoughtfully when she had finished. ‘Eating food causes plaque, although these days we get gum disease rather than cavities because we all used fluoride when we were kids. But the results the same, it’s equally as expensive to correct.'‘Well,’ the hygienist blustered. ‘Looking after your teeth is important.’So is eating – but I didn’t say it.I went home and calculated a life-time’s expenditure on teeth, and a lifetime’s misery eating all the foods that you hate, that don’t contain plaque.That decided me. A good set of dentures and you can eat what you like (you can even eat chocolate in bed) and banish going to the dentist for ever.