Taylor Swift

This morning I woke up to find a brouhaha raging around my BFF Tina Fey and her BFF Amy Poehler and the Queen of "Who Me?" Taylor Swift.



OK, so here's the low down in case you were busy watching the news this morning where they talked about Hugo Chavez, snow storms, and those idiots in D.C. For some reason many of the news organizations did not lead in with the Tina-Amy-Taylor throw down. Shocking, I know!



A little back story for you: so, Tina and Amy did a ridiculously great job hosting the Golden Globes last month. Also attending was Michael J. Fox's adorable mini (but actually bigger) me son. He was Mr. Golden Globe or something dumb like that. Regardless of his title, he was on stage a lot of the night looking very Alex P. Keaton in a tuxedo and I think every girl who grew up in the 80s was sighing a little every time he came on the screen.



At one point in the night Tina and Amy realized that Mr. Golden Globe was just the type of guy Taylor Swift would like to get her manicured nails into, so she could love him so hard, and then he'd be forced to dump her painfully and awkwardly, and then she could turn around and write a best-selling song about him and let the world know what an asshole Alex P. Keaton 2013 really is. In order to keep her from ruining this fresh-faced young man, Tina and Amy took a shot at Taylor's insatiable lust for any pseudo-celebrity between the ages of 17 and 38 with floppy hair, boyish charm, and puppy dog eyes. They warned Taylor Swift to keep her grubby paws off the Little Fox.



No one thought much of this joke. This certainly wasn't the best joke of the night. (That was when they thanked Lena Dunham for thanking them for their hilarious roles that helped her get through middle school!) It certainly wasn't the meanest joke of the night. (That was about Zero Dark Thirty. Tina said, ". . . when it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron.")



I say no one thought much of this joke, but apparently I was wrong. Taylor Swift did. Taylor has been ruminating on this put down for awhile now and she finally let Vanity Fair know that she thinks Tina and Amy are going to hell, because according to Taylor's BFF, Katie Couric, there is a "special place in hell for women who don't help other women." Whoa. That's a bit harsh. I would like to say, though, that if reservations are being accepted, I'd like to be in that particular circle of hell.



Are you keeping up with this girls gone wild cat fight? Basically Tina and Amy said, "Taylor stay away from Michael J. Fox's son" and then Katie was all, "Girl, don't let haters bother you. There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women" and then Taylor was like, "I know! Right? Bitches" and then Tina was like, "You know what? Bitches get stuff done." Or it went something like that.



All I know is, Anne Hathaway must be kind of relieved right about now, because she was poised to take over Taylor's "Who Me?" crown and people were totally hating on her and her nipples and now she can just go back to being a nobody again, because I think she's too old to play Annie, which we all know is the next musical Hollywood will try and remake. [Update: I am totally psychic!]



OK, so back to Tina-Amy-Taylor. Here's the thing. I know this quote about women and hell, etc. I actually like this quote a lot. However, Taylor, you are off your fucking rocker. Tina and Amy are trying to help you. You are a hot mess. You jump from one pretty boy to the next. You probably have a secret Pinterest board where your whole wedding is planned and you just Photoshop new boys into the groom's spot. You date assholes and jerks and then wonder why you're so lonely. Shit, Taylor Lautner stood there like a statue while Kanye stole your thunder! That douchebag from One Direction is a playa. I'm a 40-year-old mom in the Midwest and even I know that much about him! Open your eyes!



I'm not saying Mr. Golden Globe is a jerk. I'm just saying the same thing Tina and Amy were saying, Slow the fuck down. You are 23 years old and you've dated more guys than most of the men in Hollywood! Watching your music videos is slightly disturbing when you realize that you've dated practically every single guy you've cast. Your casting couch is really getting a work out - and that's not even a euphemism!





How Taylor celebrates her "Almost 1 Week Anniversaries" with her boyfriends.

You're so desperate for love that over the summer you bought a house across the street from your 17-year-old boy toy's grandma. That relationship didn't work out for many reasons, but I'm guessing that at least one of the reasons was that when the summer was over he had to go back to high school! Plus, you kept dressing up like his dead great-aunt. Creepy! You are not Jackie O.



Just relax and enjoy your life. Stop trying to fill whatever void you have with a stud muffin, maybe even try a real muffin!



And another thing, Taylor. You're so full of shit. When you wrote a song about John Mayer dumping you and he cried about it, I wrote a post defending you. I stuck up for you and I told John to suck it up and stop whining so much. Well, now it's your turn. You can't have it both ways. You're being a hypocrite. You can't write about all these idiots that you date and make millions of dollars and then turn around and cry foul when some one talks shit on you.



You're so crazy you can't even see that Tina and Amy were trying to help you. They were warning you to chill out and stay away from yet another adorable boy who will have to break up with you via text message, because you bought the house next door, you're dressing like his mom, and you keep sending him pictures of what you think the kids you'll have together might look like.