Things I Don’t Understand

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Things I Don’t Understand

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week, I’m sharing thoughts on things that perplex me.

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person, but there are some things that I will never understand.

Last week, for instance, I stopped by a little take-out restaurant to treat my daughters to Indian food. But I couldn’t get a parking spot, because the payday advance store right next door was bursting at the seams (it was a Friday night). I will never understand payday advances. If you can’t make it through to the next pay cheque without an advance this month, what makes you think you can make it through next month—when you’ll have even less money to stretch?

I don’t understand the lure of lottery tickets, either. Let’s say you spend $5 a week on the lottery. What’s five bucks, right? But take that $5 and invest it, and you’re investing $250 a year. That’s $2,500 over ten years, not including interest. How many people who buy lottery tickets win $2,500? Basically they’re throwing money away.

I watched the Gangnam style video, along with a few billion other people. I don’t get that, either. It wasn’t that funny. I admit to chuckling watching a 3-year-old dance it on Ellen, but other than that, I suppose I fail when it comes to pop culture.

And I’ve never understood Bratz dolls. Why would you buy a child a toy that emulates a brat? Do you want her to think it’s cute? It sounds like a sad, self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’m also baffled by desserts that don’t include chocolate. Sure you may like apple pie or lemon tortes, but chocolate is so much better. If you had a choice, why would you reach for something subpar?

When it comes to clothes, I’ve never really understood bikinis. Very, very few women who wear them actually look good in them, because once gravity happens, it doesn’t unhappen. And if you are one of the few teenage girls who looks awesome in one, you shouldn’t be wearing it for a whole host of other reasons.

It’s not like I think extra fabric is the answer to everything, though. I don’t understand our current fascination with hemming pants so that they touch the floor. Am I the only one who finds this super inconvenient in the winter with slush and puddles and snow? And if they’re hemmed the right length when I have on heels, what happens when I’m at home in my sock feet? I’m forever stepping on my pants. Not good.

Another pet peeve of mine is women’s boots with no traction. It seems like we have two choices when it comes to boots: clunky ugly ones that keep you upright, or lovely, beautiful ones that turn every small patch of ice into a skating rink. They’re boots, people. That means you’re supposed to wear them when there’s snow and ice. Maybe it’s all a diabolical plan to ensure that every woman walking outdoors in winter has to take the hand of a guy. That at least would make sense.

Finally, the thing perplexing me most lately is families who go berserk about money. Mom dies and all the siblings are fighting over who gets her rings. Or no one speaks to each other for years afterwards because someone claimed Grandma’s armoire. Do we really want to take the most important relationships we have and boil them all down to money? This life is too short for that. Why not let yourself be wronged a little bit, and just let it go? Isn’t a sibling, or a parent, or a child, more important than being right? Sometimes being right just leaves you alone. And there are too many confusing things in this world to have to walk through these days without people we love.

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