INHUMAN RESOURCES: OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE DRONES
"So, what brings you to human resources today?"
"I'd like to file a harassment complaint against this company."
"Whoa, now -- that's a pretty serious charge! How are we defining 'harassment?'"
"You blew up my family with a predator drone."
"I see . . . did we get 'em all?"
"Wife, kids and little Pablo."
"Pablo? . . . The gardener?"
"Our Chihuahua."
"Ewww. That's bad. We'll be hearing from the folks at PETA . . . As I'm sure you're aware, 'The Corporate Drone Act of 2025,' permits us to use deadly force against any employee who poses a threat to the company."
"Threat???"
"You did make a rather serious accusation recently."
"I told my supervisor we were out of decaf in the break room."
"Falls under 'subversion' as defined in Article 17, Section C of the act."
"Subversion??? We ran out of coffee for Christ's sake!"
"A delicate matter which needs to be handled through our 32 step 'Employee Empowerment Process' -- and please don't take the Lord's name in vain. We adhere to Judeo-Christian principles at this company."
"This is insane! My entire family has been wiped out! You would've gotten me too if I hadn't been called into work at the last minute!"
"The arbitration agreement you signed indemnifies us against any potential legal action resulting from collateral damage."
"I never signed an arbitration agreement."
"It's printed on the back of your paycheck."
"But I can't cash my check unless I sign the back . . ."
"Really, sir, are you going to hold us accountable for some ridiculous regulation imposed by the banking industry?"
"I'd like to file my complaint now."
"That's certainly your right, sir. If you'll just fill out these forms in triplicate; have your signature notarized, then return them with a copy of your long-form birth certificate, dental records and DNA sample, we can get the ball rolling."
"You're just trying to stonewall me with needless red tape! Here's a 'cease and desist' letter from my attorney -- if you don't call off your drones, I'm going to take the matter to the Supreme Court!"
Slamming the letter down on the H.R. rep's desk, the man storms out in a huff. Thirty seconds later, the office is rocked by an explosion from the parking lot. The rep picks up the letter and calmly tears it into pieces . . .
"Got him."
"I'd like to file a harassment complaint against this company."
"Whoa, now -- that's a pretty serious charge! How are we defining 'harassment?'"
"You blew up my family with a predator drone."
"I see . . . did we get 'em all?"
"Wife, kids and little Pablo."
"Pablo? . . . The gardener?"
"Our Chihuahua."
"Ewww. That's bad. We'll be hearing from the folks at PETA . . . As I'm sure you're aware, 'The Corporate Drone Act of 2025,' permits us to use deadly force against any employee who poses a threat to the company."
"Threat???"
"You did make a rather serious accusation recently."
"I told my supervisor we were out of decaf in the break room."
"Falls under 'subversion' as defined in Article 17, Section C of the act."
"Subversion??? We ran out of coffee for Christ's sake!"
"A delicate matter which needs to be handled through our 32 step 'Employee Empowerment Process' -- and please don't take the Lord's name in vain. We adhere to Judeo-Christian principles at this company."
"This is insane! My entire family has been wiped out! You would've gotten me too if I hadn't been called into work at the last minute!"
"The arbitration agreement you signed indemnifies us against any potential legal action resulting from collateral damage."
"I never signed an arbitration agreement."
"It's printed on the back of your paycheck."
"But I can't cash my check unless I sign the back . . ."
"Really, sir, are you going to hold us accountable for some ridiculous regulation imposed by the banking industry?"
"I'd like to file my complaint now."
"That's certainly your right, sir. If you'll just fill out these forms in triplicate; have your signature notarized, then return them with a copy of your long-form birth certificate, dental records and DNA sample, we can get the ball rolling."
"You're just trying to stonewall me with needless red tape! Here's a 'cease and desist' letter from my attorney -- if you don't call off your drones, I'm going to take the matter to the Supreme Court!"
Slamming the letter down on the H.R. rep's desk, the man storms out in a huff. Thirty seconds later, the office is rocked by an explosion from the parking lot. The rep picks up the letter and calmly tears it into pieces . . .
"Got him."
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