KILL ALL MARIJUANA-SMOKING, FAKE-ID USING COMMUNISTS: Twitter and Capital Punishment

As at least 6 of you know, I am on The Twitter. Whilst I’ve had a wonderful time looking at pictures of what people have for lunch and hearing about traffic in cities I will never visit whilst I still maintain some semblance of free will, there are some things on there that are genuinely disturbing.

Now, call me a killjoy, but I’m not the world’s number one fan of having the governments kill people – even though they seem to really enjoy it. Even if I did sustain some sort of massive head trauma and suddenly thought that the state deciding who lives and who dies were a good idea, I would probably still limit it to mass murder and terrorist atrocities.

But what if you genuinely hate human beings and want there to be far, far fewer of them? Thankfully, many wonderful people on Twitter are more open-minded than myself, and decided that the following crimes are worthy of death:

(note: all of these are from the single hashtag #bringbackhanging, and so are generally limited to the UK)

Taking drugs. Especially marijuana. (@chained)

In fairness this one is something of a masterstroke. @chained has clearly recognised the problems of overpopulation, and has  thus elected to immediately eliminate a good third of the population. In his own words, “Drugs cause mental illness” – so we’d better preserve your mental health by permanently ceasing all brain activity!

Being in prison. (@bennyboi_; @xchloexlaylax; @peter_rhoden; @MrsJenCrow)

I know quite a few anarchist individuals who firmly believe in the abolition of jails, but this is a new take on the idea. Personally I can’t wait until people are executed for video piracy – it’ll certainly make a good dent in the population left alive by @chained’s thoughtful suggestion.

Having been accused of paedophilia. (@KatieeStokess; @scottrichbell;  @adsleigh81; @bethanwxx; @beckys_boo; too many others to list)

Now this is a good one. I have quite a few people I would like to get rid off by judicial homicide, and this would make it as easy as a single terrible, slanderous lie.

Petty theft whilst on drugs. (@chained again)

I have to start questioning @chained’s previously spotless judgement here, seeing as everyone who has ever taken drugs is already dead. This policy would kill 0 people, and I think we can all agree that a zero mortality rate is a sign of failure.

Being a Communist. (@UKJRF)

I like this retro suggestion from UKJRF. Sometimes we all miss a bit of Franco-inspired mass murder of an entire political wing. #bringbackthe1930s

Touching yourself in public (@squidworm74)

Now I don’t know anyone who masturbates in front of frightened bystanders in public areas, so at first glance this would affect absolutely nobody I know – but does this include scratching yourself? Rearranging genitals painfully trapped inside overly-tight H&M boxer shorts? Urinating? I can only thank @squidworm74 for this potentially decimating suggestion.

Making a fake ID (@chained returns!)

@chained is back on top form with his ruthless slaughter of teenagers out to get a cheap buzz in a public park. Why just apply this to identification? Why not bring back hanging for all errors on government documents, deliberate or otherwise?

Animal cruelty, when the perpetrator is 8 years old. (@jpands)

Now I usually take a moderately hostile stance on torturing animals, but @jpand’s ‘let’s murder children too!’ suggestion is a stroke of genius, especially when combined with the ever-popular ‘kill child killers’ idea – we could make an infinite loop of death! No-one shall survive!

And my personal favourite:

Being against capital punishment (@Badger5000)

Inspired.

So inspiring I’ve been making suggestions of my own:

@redfernjon: The other day I saw two children trying to share the same swing, in a flagrant abuse of playground equipment. #bringbackhanging

@redfernjon: This week I saw an elderly lady forget her bus pass, but the driver let her on anyway! NO RESPECT FOR THE RULE OF LAW #bringbackhanging

With any luck there will be precisely six people left alive by the end of the year. Mother Earth shall be saved yet!

- Redfern

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