Wednesdays Featured Blogger – Athena, The Not-So-Standard Issue Spouse
Subject – Athena of Kaffeeklatsch with Athena and The Not-So-Standard Issue Spouse
Location – A Military Base Somewhere in Turkey
I’m seated on a bench in a military base in Turkey. The heat is a little overwhelming and steam is covering the windows, but I’ll make do. I am above all things, a professional and I can handle an interview in almost any environment.
I watch the fit young airmen wander by, momentarily distracted by the spectacle Athena and I are making of ourselves. One particularly handsome lad is so distracted by our appearance that he crashes into a locker and his towel falls off.
“I get you wanting to do the interview on the base,” Athena states, “but are you sure that it’s ok to do the interview in the men’s showers?”
I shrug. At this point, they can kick us out, but they can’t take our memories. “According to my interviewing idol, the best way to do an interview is to immerse yourself in the culture.”
“Who’s the idol? Diane Sawyer? Robin Roberts?”
“Triumph, the Insult Dog.”
“I’ll buy it.” Athena snorts a line of fine Colombian coffee, as it has been 12 minutes since her last cup. She twitches a little and rubs her nose. “Let’s get the party started.”
I pull out my tape recorder and smile. God Bless America.
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Tell us about your page.
Hi Essa! Thanks so much for taking the time to interview me. I am excited to divulge my crazy to your readers.
I started putting more effort into cooking when I married my husband and became a stay-at-home parent by necessity(That part’s almost over, I get to work at our next base! Wooo!!). I had been a single mom prior to that. When I was at home all the time, I began to go a little insane(er?), so I went through a series of preoccupations to pass the time, and they all failed miserably. I was a vegan when I got married, then gave into the lure of dairy products, and then it snowballed into rejoining the ranks of avid meateater, although I do try to eat sustainably when I can. When I was newly married, I had to find ways to feed both my meateater husband, and myself and my vegan kids without making two separate meals. I consider myself to be proactively lazy, and no matter how much affection I hold for someone, I will not spoil them that much. I began trying to recreate some of my favorite recipes in vegan form, and for the most part, had a lot of success with it. Ever since then, my eating habits may have changed, but we are still trying to eat healthy, so I am constantly trying to substitute healthy stuff for bad ingredients that taste good to see if I hit the taste jackpot, so to speak. I also realized that there was an infinite compendium of recipes out there on the interwebs, but not many people focused on teaching cooks how to be adaptable and roll with it when you shit hits the fan in the kitchen. You will notice that many times I will note that what I did was not what I intended to do at the outset. It’s all about pulling it off without a disaster, not so much about the process going smoothly. Increasingly I realized that I could not find exactly what I wanted, so I thought that I would put it out there myself. I also have way too much snark to fit into my daily interactions, so I have to let it out, somewhere. Thus, Kaffeeklatsch with Athena was born.
Could you take Paula Dean in a fight?
I would own that bitch. The secret is to use your enemy’s strength against them. Full-body grease-down with butter, beforehand. I am also marginally trained in MMA(no really!).
Tell us about living in Turkey. Has it been a culture shock?
Yes, and no. When I found out we were moving here, I had four months to prepare, so I learned as much Turkish as I could(Rosetta Stone is not worth your money, folks!), and I researched everything I could find about Turkey. Learning the language and trying to be respectful by speaking Turkish to the locals gets you so much more respect from them. Nothing can prepare you for finding out that you live in the agricultural armpit of an otherwise beautiful Mediterranean country. The USAF is top notch at buying crappy real estate. Granted, there are parts of Adana that are great, but not right off base. The way they do property taxes here, if your building is still under construction, you don’t have to pay on it, so all of the houses in residential areas and small businesses look like unfinished concrete boxes outside, but the insides are pristine. Turkish people are a crazy mix of supremely lazy and industrious, both in ways that make absolutely no sense to me. There are a lot of things I miss about America that I never thought would be an issue, as I tend to think more globally than a lot of people I know. I miss restaurants with infinite choices. Most restaurants here have roughly the same menu as all others. Some don’t have a menu, they just ask you, chicken, beef, or lamb? Overall, I am still glad we came.
You are also a military wife, so you frequently move to new places. What do you like about that and what do you hate?
It’s funny, because I actually moved more often before I married the Air Force than before. I love moving constantly and seeing new places. It suits my ADHD perfectly. I was terrified at first, of the prospect of being in the same house for two whole years. Our next assignment is at least four years, and while I view it with a little less trepidation, I am still wondering how I am going to pull it off, mentally. The thing I hate is the military being responsible for planning and executing much of our move. They are about as good at that as they are at picking out property….
You have a choice between giving up coffee for the rest of your life or losing an arm. What do you choose?
You know, I never really liked my right arm that much. I have a trick wrist that gets in the way of pushups. Also, I can type with the same hand I hold my coffee, so I see no real conflict.
Pick the two celebrities that you think would make the ugliest baby together. Same sex couples encouraged.
Hmmm…. I am gonna go with Donald Trump and Bill O’Reilly. I could just see it telling people to “Shut up!” and “You’re fired”. Poor kid. Never had a chance.
Do you have a food that you like to make, but won’t eat?
Oh, yeah! I despise mushrooms with a passion normally only set aside for flying spiders, but I love making Gouda and Couscous Stuffed Portobellos. They look so fancy, and they smell deceptively delicious.
Weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten.
It’s a toss-up between grilled rattlesnake(Texas), and dog biscuits. They were peanut butter flavored. I can’t be held accountable.
Name the one crime you would commit if you knew you’d get away with it.
Public nudity. DOWN WITH PANTS!
Emeril Lagasse or Gordon Ramsey?
I have to go with Emeril on this one. 1) BAM! 2) I give Gordon props for standing up to asshole restaurant owners and telling them what douchebags they are being, but I dislike how unnecessarily cruel he is to the kitchen staff in Hell’s Kitchen, 3) You can’t go wrong with a jovial Bostonian and Cajunesque food. You just can’t.
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If you would like to keep up with Athena, you can check out her safe for general audiences blog at Kaffeeklatsch with Athena or the racier more adult version, The Not-So-Standard-Issue Spouse.
