Torn, Chapters 14-15 & Conclusion: The Way Forward
Today we wrap up our discussion around Justin Lee’s
fantastic book, Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs-Christians Debate.
This has been a perfect starting point for our yearlong series on Sexuality and
the Church, which for the first quarter will focus specifically on
homosexuality.
Next week we will begin a shorter, 2-3 week discussion around
Wesley Hill’s Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality. Like
Justin, Wesley is gay, but whereas Justin concluded that a relationship with
another man could be blessed by God, Wesley has chosen celibacy. I picked these
two books because I think Justin and Wesley represent the very best in civil,
gracious, and loving disagreement on this issue…which for them is not a mere
issue, but a deeply personal journey with deeply personal implications.
Now on to Torn, Chapters 14-15….
Chapter 14: Lightening RodAs Justin came to terms with his sexuality and what it meant
for his future, he began advocating on behalf of gay Christians through his Web
site. In Chapter 14, he describes how his honesty gave other gay Christians the
freedom to tell their stories. One night he received an email that simply said,
“I was going to kill myself tonight. I told God He had one more chance to give
me a reason not to. Somehow I found your web site….You will never meet me, but
tonight you saved my life.”
Not long after, he and a friend launched the Gay Christian
Network.
Justin also tells the story of
how, after sharing his story on a closed-circuit TV station at his college, a
viewer tracked down his mother, called her in the middle of the night, and
demanded “Did you know your son is a homosexual?”
“As the anonymous caller proceeded to
disparage me, telling her how disgusted he was that I would call myself gay
while claiming to be a Christian, she stuck up for me, telling him that he
didn’t know what he was talking about, and that she was proud of me for being
honest,” writes Justin. “Whatever disagreements she and I had, in this moment,
she was my mother. And that was all that mattered.” (216)
The Gay Christian Network
continued to grow and flourish, and became incorporated as a non-profit
organization in 2004.
Writes Justin, “Before I even
built the GCN website, I knew I had to make a critical decision about how this
new group would handle differing opinions. I had once believed that gay
relationships were sinful and that I would have to be celibate in order to
serve God. I no longer believed that, but I had gay friends who still did. How
was GCN going to respond to people like them?” (p. 221)
Justin took a page from another
group, Bridges Across the Divide, which identified two very general categories
for engaging this aspect of the conversation:
Side A: There are people from
many backgrounds who for religious or other reasons believe that homosexual
relationships have the same value as heterosexual relationships.
Side B: And there are those of
many faiths who disagree, believing that only a male/female relationship in
marriage is the Creator’s intent for our sexuality.
“In essence,” says Justin, “Side
A holds that gay sex (like straight sex) is morally acceptable in the right
circumstances. Side B holds that gay sex is inherently morally wrong.” (p. 222)
“Each of these groups might have
many subgroups,” Justin acknowledges, and are just “broad terms…but they gave
the group a way to talk about the issues.”
So Justin made the somewhat
unconventional decision to include both Side A and Side B Christians in the Gay
Christian Network. “I wanted all my gay Christian friends—celibate or not—to
feel welcome, safe, and respected in this new space. I wanted to model for the
church and the world that it is possible to live in loving, Christian community
in the midst of significant theological disagreements. We developed some basic
rules: Both ‘Side A’ and ‘Side B’ people would be welcome at GCN, and within
this space, both sides would agree not to try to convert or talk down to one
another. GCN was to be a neutral zone, a place for people to put the culture
war aside and know they are among friends.” (p.223)
Of course, this decision resulted
in “regular hate mail from people on both sides,” but as the group continued to
grow, it became “a safe haven for many thousands of LGBT Christians and a
leader in the movement to educate Christians about LGBT issues.”
I can attest to that truth, and
am profoundly grateful for Justin and his colleagues’ work at the Gay Christian
Network. I pray for them regularly, and heartily recommend their resources for
all who are interested in learning more.
“Nearly every day, I hear a story about someone whose life
has been torn apart by this culture war,” writes Justin, “and far too often,
the Christians in their lives either left them to fend for themselves or took
an active role in making their lives worse.”
In this chapter, Justin identifies seven things the Church
must focus on if we want to create a better world for the next generation and
move beyond the culture war mentality that is literally costing some gay
Christians their lives:
the midst of disagreement.
Justin tackles a lot in this section, but I want to direct
our attention to his thoughts on the “love the sinner hate the sin” line that
we hear so often from Christians regarding homosexuality. Justin explains how
condescending and dehumanizing that expression sounds to the gay folks to whom
it is often directed, “as if I’m now ‘the sinner’ rather than the person’s
friend or neighbor, and ‘loving’ me has become the new project they’ve taken on
out of obligation to God rather than a genuine interest in my well-being….When
someone says they’re ‘loving the sinner,’ it sounds as though the person being referred to is a
‘sinner’ in some sense that the speaker is not." Justin quotes Tony Campolo who
said this:
“I always am uptight when somebody says…’I love the sinner,
but I hate his sin.’ I’m sure you’ve heard that line over and over again. And
my responses I, ‘That’s interesting. Because that’s just the opposite of what
Jesus says. Jesus never says, ‘Love the sinner, but hat his sin.’ Jesus says,
‘Love the sinner, and hate your own sin. And after you get rid of the sin in
your own life, then you can begin talking about the sin in your brother or
sister’s life.’”
I think that’s a pretty great response. Justin also notes
that “Jesus saved his lecturing and anger exclusively for the self-righteous
and those who put barriers in the way of other trying to come to God”—the
Pharisees and the moneychangers.
Justin is obviously passionate about confronting some of the
misinformation floating around the Christian community regarding
homosexuality—like, for example, that it is caused by bad parenting. He encourages
Christians and churches to educate themselves and their congregations so that
some of these harmful myths can be addressed. (Be sure to check out the Gay
Christian Network for more ideas on how to do this well.)
“Too many churches have relied in part on ex-gay ministries
to be the ‘solution’ to the gay ‘problem,’” writes Justin. “In these churches,
if a person comes out or admits to struggling with their sexual identity,
they’re usually pointed to an ex-gay or ‘sexual brokenness’ ministry for
healing. As we’ve already seen, this simply doesn’t work. I could share
hundreds and hundreds of stories of people who poured their hearts into ex-gay
programs, prayer, and other types of therapy, only to discover that neither
they nor the others in their programs ever became straight.” (p. 234)
The “ex-gay” approach was the topic of our second discussion
around Torn, and as I said there, I think this may be the most difficult
reality for the Church, and evangelicals in particular, to accept—that we have
to move beyond the default setting of trying to change people’s sexual
orientation upon learning they are gay. I’m not saying it’s not possible for
sexuality to shift (studies suggest that women’s sexuality may be a bit more
fluid, for example, and as we’ve discussed in the past, sexuality exists on
something of a continuum). But to assume and teach that an orientation
change is normal, and to be expected with enough prayer and counseling, is
misleading and dangerous. Like Justin, I have observed the devastating effects of this approach on families and individuals far too often not to speak out about it. We don't need to wait for more broken families or suicides or self-harm to prove that this approach doesn't work enough to advocate it as the default response. It's just not worth it.
must be a viable option.
“In previous chapters,” Justin
writes, “I explained how my own biblical study led me to the conclusion that
God does not requires gay people to be celibate. I still believe that, and a
growing number of other Christians are coming to the same conclusion. However…I
think it’s important for all Christians—including those who disagree with me—to
have the support and understanding of their brothers and sisters. Celibacy is
an extremely difficult path. It can be lonely and disheartening. Gay Christians
who believe this is God’s call for them need tremendous support from their
church families.” (p. 238)
Justin points out that the church
can be a tough environment for singles as it is, and so we have to work harder
at creating an environment that is supportive of both heterosexual and
homosexual singles. We’ll get more into this topic as we discuss Wesley Hill’s
Washed and Waiting, beginning next week.
the Bible is anti-gay.
“As long as people believe the
Bible is anti-gay, they will continue to believe the church is anti-gay as
well,” writes Justin, “and the war between gays and Christians will continue.
So far, neither side has done a very good job of challenging the notion that
the Bible is antigay, leaving many people to believe they must choose either to
follow the Bible or to love their gay friends.”
(p. 241)
Justin says that, too often, outspoken
Christians on the traditional side give the impression that the Bible supports
hostility toward LGBT people, while pro-gay advocates reinforce this assumption
by arguing that the only way to treat LGBT people with respect is to throw out
the Bible altogether.
“We may disagree on whether the
Bible can be reconciled with same-sex marriage,” he says, “ but we should be
able to agree that the Bible is not homophobic and does not justify the unkind
attitudes some Christians have become known for.” (p. 243)
gay Christians must find their place throughout the church.
“In a culture that sees gays and
Christians as enemies, gay Christians are in a unique position to bring peace
and change minds, writes Justin “….I think God wants to use gay Christians—along
with bi Christians, and trans Christians, and others in similar situations—to
help the church become what she’s supposed to be. That means that we who are
gay and Christian must accept the calling and take our place in the church,
working in the various ways we’re led to make the world and the church a better
place. It also means that straight Christians must work to ensure that gay
Christians are welcomed and supported at all levels of the church, and that
their unique experiences and insights are honored.” (p. 245)
Justin acknowledges that this
will likely create tension between Side A and Side B Christians, but points to
Romans 14 as a guide. In that passage, the apostle Paul addresses the
hotly-contested issue of eating food that had been sacrificed to idols and
encourages Christians to refrain from judgment while also being careful not to
make one another stumble.
The whole passage is worth
reading again if you haven’t been by it in a while. Paul concludes: “Therefore,
let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to
put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister…So
whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God.”
“When everyone was in agreement,”
Justin notes, “Paul encouraged the church to take action. But when there was
serious disagreement within the Body of Christ, Paul encouraged people to
follow their consciences and allow other believers to do likewise. I believe
the situation we’re facing today is the latter type.” (248)
I’m really interested in fleshing
this idea out a bit more. And I confess I am a bit skeptical. I like the idea
of not passing judgment while also not placing stumbling blocks in the way of
fellow Christians who may take a more conservative stance. But at the same
time, I worry that keeping one’s position between oneself and God, particularly
in a situation like this, might perpetuate injustice. I don’t know. What do you
all think?
must learn how to effectively dialog.
“For parents, this means
listening to your kids,” Justin writes. “….For gay people, this means being
patient with your Christian friends and family members….For pastors and
churches, this means encouraging loving, open-minded dialogue not only within your congregation, but with other
congregations as well…For all of us, productive dialog means reaching out to
people whose views and experiences are different from our own and having the
patience to really listen to them with a goal of better understanding them and
their worldviews.” (p. 248-251).
I hope that last point was
accomplished in some small way in our dialog around Justin’s book. Your
comments—from LGBT readers and straight readers, from Side A Christians to Side
B Christians, to celibate gay friends to partnered gay friends— have been
enlightening, humbling, challenging, insightful, and civil. I’ve learned a lot
from discussions, especially from listening, and I hope you have too.
discussion:
2. What
do you think of Justin’s seven points for moving forward? Are there one or two
that especially resonate? One or two with which you struggle?
3. Do
you think Christians can take a Romans 14 approach to homosexuality by withholding
judgment from gay Christians who are Side A while simultaneously encouraging Side
B Christians by not placing stumbling blocks in their path?
already:
1. Check
out the Gay Christian Network.
2. Read Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs-Christians Debate by Justin Lee.
3. Consider
ordering a copy of the fantastic documentary, Through My Eyes, to learn more
about what it’s like to be a gay Christian. (See the trailer below.)
4. Thank
Justin for bravely sharing his story. I suspect this guy gets more hate mail
than I do, and that’s really saying something. You can leave a thank-you in the
comment section or by leaving a review on Amazon if you’ve read Torn.
Again, thanks for the great
discussion! We’ll pick it up again next week with Wesley Hill’s Washed and
Waiting.
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