Friday’s Featured Blogger – Joe Smith (No, Really)
Subject: Joe Smith of Hey!Joe Online and The World of James Clayton
Location: A Warehouse Somewhere in South Philly
I’m sticking out like a sore thumb and a man with a neck tattoo just tried to sell me meth. I light another cigarette and pull my hood further over my head, hoping to pass as ethnic enough to be ignored in this part of town. It’s working.
The meth is helping.
Finally, a grey sedan pulls up; the headlights have been killed already. A man gets out of the drivers seat wearing a tan overcoat. He’s wearing sunglasses during the night time and the only way I can possibly describe him is ‘nondescript’. He walks around to the back of the car in silence and pops the trunk.
“You must be Joe Smith.”
He refuses to respond, just gestures to the trunk.
I get the message. “If it’s all the same to you, I’d prefer to ride in the passenger seat? It’s much more conductive to an interviewing environment.”
He lets out a frustrated sigh. “Fine, but you have to wear the passenger seat head sack.” He pulls a burlap sack out of the trunk and tosses it at me.
I send a quick text to my mom to call the cops if I don’t call her in an hour. Then, I get into the passenger seat and pull out my tape recorder.
***
How often do you get accused of being a Nigerian scam artist?
Way more often than you would believe! Joe Smith wasn’t exactly a fucking stretch of my mother’s mental ability. In fact, I’ve asked why she would name me so badly. It’s such a boring ass name. She said we were white trash when I was little.( I guess you outgrow it, or something? I’m not sure I agree.) She said that I was named after Joey Perrini, and Matt Cory played by Ray Liotta and Daniel Dale respectively on the shitty day time soap “Another World”.
Are you a Nigerian scam artist?
I actually am. It helps pay the bills when I’m out of talent for my donkey show.
Being the youngest of six, how frequently did you get your ass kicked?
No where near enough. To quote My Cousin Vinny – ” I’ve gotta be honest, I could use a good ass-kicking.” I was way younger than my brothers and sisters, so they were pretty much out of the house when I was growing up.
What’s your most emotionally scarring childhood memory?
This one’s easy. Note the white trash thing above. When my sister was 18 or 19, she’d gotten pregnant by her married boyfriend. Not married to her, but married. Anyway, she had her own apartment, and I went to spend the weekend with her. I was 5 or 6 at the time. We decided to have a movie night, and when we went to rent the videos, I was being a little shit about wanting her to rent a scary movie. To shut me up, we rented “Salem’s Lot” and “Silver Bullet”. Both by Stephen King, both guaranteed to keep a five year old afraid of the fucking dark for the next 5 years.
Essa: Do you think that’s what causes your rage filled killing sprees?
I don’t think it’s what causes them, but Stephen King has a way of making them seem a bit more “normal”. In some cases, even ideal.
Essa: Tell me about your blogs.
I have two. My primary blog is Hey! Joe Online. It’s basically me bitching about things in the world that make me want to go Jack-the-Ripper on some people. I started it as this sane, reasonable Mr. Rogers “you’re okay, I’m okay” kind of thing, but at some point, I was like fuck it. Life’s too short not to be explicit about how you really feel.
The second is the World of James Clayton. It’s basically a few of the short stories that will be included in my book of short stories that I hope to publish by spring. I’ll be changing the format soon to be a book review blog, but if your readers want to see what I’m writing, it’ll be up for a few more months. I write under the name James Clayton because nobody wants to read a fucking book by Joe Smith. I am Joe Smith, and the idea of reading one of Joe Smith’s books makes my imaginary narcolepsy kick in.
What writing projects are you working on now? What are you hoping to accomplish in 2013?
The book I mentioned above which will be titled “Mother Anna and Other Bedtime Stories”. It’s basically just a book of my short shorts as I call them. Each story is only around 2500 to 3000 words, so they can be read in one sitting. The other book is a novelette called “The Cinder Plant” which is about a haunted waste-water management facility in the town of Cinder, West Virginia. I hope to have both books published to Kindle by the end of the year. The stories are all complete for “Mother Anna”, with the exception of one, and I’m about halfway finished with the novelette.
Fuck, marry or kill…any one of the four Golden Girls. You must use at least three.
This one is easy too! Let’s start with fucking. I always enjoy starting that way. Blanche Devereaux played by Rue McClanahan was always the most attractive to me. She always had a sophistication the others lacked. I always liked her character. She was the one I could always see being into some weird sex shit. I’d hook her up. Marry; another no-brainer for me. Who wouldn’t want to marry Betty White? C’mon! Kill: I’ll give you a two-for-one on this one. I’d murder both of the other two using each others intestines. I hate both of those two. Bea Arthur got on my nerves in every episode. Have you ever seen a more miserable bitch in your life? Also, why was it that every episode that centered on her personal life was some sort of calamity? Fuck her. Then Estelle Getty…don’t even get me started. On second thought, do. She reminds me of what Judge Judy is going to be in thirty years; a hateful bitch that needs to be a victim of random violence.
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever put in your anus?
True story. A man’s finger, followed by a woman’s finger, followed by a camera and about thirty feet of airline. Easily the most uncomfortable I’ve been since Carrot Top’s mom was hitting on me. Literally. She was hitting me for taking her chair at a charity event.
Which one of the 50 states would you get rid of and why?
Joe Smith: Alaska. Why? Cause fuck Alaska. What did they ever do to help the US? How many of their boys died in the American revolution? Zero. The civil war? Zero. Desert Storm? Zero. There’s nobody there but Sarah Palin and her family. That whole jagoff family can go with Alaska to the highest bidder.
***
Suddenly, Joe Smith slams on the brakes. We are in the middle of nowhere and he has decided the interview is over.
“Get out.”
I’m not going to argue. I’m just glad to be alive. I take the bag off my head and step out into the darkness. Joe Smith doesn’t look at me as I get out. Instead, he’s focused on the road, cracking his knuckles and muttering about Alaska. He peels off into the night and I watch him disappear.
You can check out Joe Smith at Hey!Joe Online or The World of James Clayton.
