What I know for sure… It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye

When I look back on 2012, I could get really sad. I’ve lost so many people that meant a lot to me this year. Friends that I’ve had for years, my paternal sister, a small group of elders that I used to stay with when I would go to Michigan and a few other people who, this time last year, were MAJOR parts of my life. It’s a little overwhelming to lose so many people in one year… well… it would be… except… it’s not like any of them are dead or anything. I just decided to go ahead and let them go.

I remember being one of those people who would hold on to relationships, no matter how toxic or damaging they were out of a nagging sense of obligation. I wanted to help, I wanted to be nice. If there was a problem with a friend, I wanted to get to the bottom of things and work it out. I couldn’t take not being liked. I did not want to push anyone away or be pushed away. I made sacrifices and major adjustments in my life to accommodate people so much, that I burned out around August this year. I just got… grown. I didn’t need to be liked, needed, helpful or nice anymore. I took into account how these relationships were affecting me, and I moved from a place of radical self-preservation for the first time. I don’t expect some of these to be forever, but a few of them… I’m hoping they are.

What I know for sure… is It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday. The old patterns of being are difficult to break. But sometimes you have to push through and make tough decisions for your own betterment. I wish I could take real credit for my own transformation. But the truth is, I just kept at that behavior until I was too old to keep it up anymore. Either way… now that I’m on the other side… I’m glad I’m here and wish I had been aware enough to have done it sooner.