Expression Is Not Always About Freedom
In a psychology textbook from college there is a picture of teenagers all dressed in various states of goth or other styles of dark clothing, the caption under it declaring this to be a form of social mimicry and conformism. I certainly had a good laugh then and I’d be lying if I said it still didn’t bring a smile to my face. I can guarantee that were you or I to ask any of those teens they’d swear up and down that they were solid individuals completely against the “system” of social conformity and just expressing the way they were free to do so. Or at least something of that sort, as I’m likely giving many of them more philosophical credit than due. From our fashion to even much of the thoughts we have, these are simply regurgitated social memes taken in by other influences, media and relational connections, funneled through one of our own particular narratives but largely flowing into manifestation with little input from the all-powerful ego we so amusingly think we possess. “I just want to be me,” could be the siren call of modern America, the underlying selfish declaration beneath so much of conservative and liberal religious ideology alike, and the rallying cry for every fad and Oprah-inspired unscientific diet craze. We’re so busy wanting to just be us, wanting to be original or an individual that we lose sight of the anxiety of being unnoticed that undergirds all of this and in the process become even less individualistic than we started as.
I wrote in “Freedom From, Not Freedom To Do,” about how the mere ability to do something does not equate to real freedom when it does not come from a place of a life-giving and community-acknowledging frame of reference. Without this soul-deep understanding of an interrelated and interactive reality where no one person exists as an island no matter their magnificence, we become but disassociated flotsam floating in a sea of possibility and without any purpose. So it is here, expanded, that in the expression of what we call our “self” we often are so charged with doing something that we do no more than continue in bondage to old ideas given a shiny new polish. I’m thinking now of the man or woman embarking on their third marriage, having even declared at one point that marriage wasn’t important. I’m thinking of the woman or man who puts on the face of joy so that they never see the bodies of relationships they leave behind them, creating stories like an awful caricature of “Life of Pi,” desperate to never see the darkness that is a part of them. I’m thinking of the man or woman latching onto every new diet fad, every new fantastical spiritual craze, mentally screaming themselves hoarse in an attempt to leave behind old ideas of worthlessness and angst even as they cling desperately to those very stories in the chill of the night. In expressing ourselves there is no inherent or necessary joy to be found if such occurs while we are running away with chains dragging behind us.
As I’ve written before, I identify as both an atheist and as polyamorous, a social combination that has me looking at times like a blood-spattered biker entering a nunnery. And no not like the nunnery from Monty Python’s “The Holy Grail,” that would just be awesome (if you’re not sure the reference please watch the movie and laugh). Within these two groups there is found a great deal of people who are loudly “just expressing” themselves. Now, before I go further let me unequivocally note that the mere existence of what society considers outrageous behavior does not in any way necessitate that said person is doing so from a place of pain and escapism, ignoring their real issues. The 9-5 monotony of corporate work, the swallowing of one’s pride, being poorly compensated for work while management basks in ridiculously huge dividends, all of this and more that characterizes “society” is an insanity on par with thinking of oneself as being an egg and has little to no basis for calling out anyone else for being escapist and ignoring their problems. That said, the similarity we all share by virtue of belonging to the hilarity that is humanity, is a profound ability to seek healing through expression while ignoring the why of our behavior. Not every curious behavior can stem from this, but the reality of it is far too widespread not to make some general remarks. I have met far too many people shilling atheism, as I originally did, from a place of child-like wailing or engage in polyamory because they’re simply playing the field in search of a new monogamy but want to make it sound as if it’s more special than that. It is not, however the tone of this writing so far may indicate, from a place of frustration (or not entirely) that I am speaking but from a place of empathic pain, of shared discomfort and a fierce desire to have others reeling from real healing from within a space real peace.
In a recent conversation with a truly wonderful friend of mine it was brought up that there’s a difficulty in being truthful and wanting to engage in open/honest communication, but also wanting to spare someone the pain of hurt feelings or simply coming across like an uncaring person. We all know the person who declares themselves “too honest,” when the reality is they just like spouting off their opinion no matter the emotional repercussions. The result of this conversation was an emergent principle, or at least one now better articulated, stating that sharing one’s thoughts must first come from a place of acknowledging the space created between the two (or more) people and from within that space know what the boundaries are for expression. At no point does this allow for lying (I agree with Harris that lying is never a good idea, a point I’ll address soon in another entry) and if a question is asked that one may feel uncomfortable addressing fully, the responsibility rests upon the person asking to say how much of or whether they are ready for a full answer. Turning this principle around a bit we come to an answer concerning the current difficulty with expression as escapism rather than expression as freedom. In the manifestation of new behavior let us first ask ourselves what space we are operating out of, both in relation to our internalized stories and with those of whom we are about to share. If the space still holds spots of darkness then let us first begin by addressing them, embracing them, and politely asking them to be gone as they are no longer needed. When the space exists in which those stories no longer have as much power then begin questioning how much the particular behavior is important to do. Often it may not be all that significant anymore and interest may be drawn towards something that is far more life-giving. If it’s still significant, well then by all means, get your groove on and be proud, knowing your expression is from a place of grace and a desire to spread joy.
This process is not an easy one and certainly is not one that I find myself always following through on. I get depressed and will eat an entire pizza rather than addressing the nature of the depression, an expression of myself that brings definite momentary delight but no long-term solution. We all I am quite certain can come up with such small though poignant examples. Life is not always about doing something exactly all the time, but about an upward spiraling of awakening, building upon practice and knowing our dance is beautiful.
I wrote in “Freedom From, Not Freedom To Do,” about how the mere ability to do something does not equate to real freedom when it does not come from a place of a life-giving and community-acknowledging frame of reference. Without this soul-deep understanding of an interrelated and interactive reality where no one person exists as an island no matter their magnificence, we become but disassociated flotsam floating in a sea of possibility and without any purpose. So it is here, expanded, that in the expression of what we call our “self” we often are so charged with doing something that we do no more than continue in bondage to old ideas given a shiny new polish. I’m thinking now of the man or woman embarking on their third marriage, having even declared at one point that marriage wasn’t important. I’m thinking of the woman or man who puts on the face of joy so that they never see the bodies of relationships they leave behind them, creating stories like an awful caricature of “Life of Pi,” desperate to never see the darkness that is a part of them. I’m thinking of the man or woman latching onto every new diet fad, every new fantastical spiritual craze, mentally screaming themselves hoarse in an attempt to leave behind old ideas of worthlessness and angst even as they cling desperately to those very stories in the chill of the night. In expressing ourselves there is no inherent or necessary joy to be found if such occurs while we are running away with chains dragging behind us.
As I’ve written before, I identify as both an atheist and as polyamorous, a social combination that has me looking at times like a blood-spattered biker entering a nunnery. And no not like the nunnery from Monty Python’s “The Holy Grail,” that would just be awesome (if you’re not sure the reference please watch the movie and laugh). Within these two groups there is found a great deal of people who are loudly “just expressing” themselves. Now, before I go further let me unequivocally note that the mere existence of what society considers outrageous behavior does not in any way necessitate that said person is doing so from a place of pain and escapism, ignoring their real issues. The 9-5 monotony of corporate work, the swallowing of one’s pride, being poorly compensated for work while management basks in ridiculously huge dividends, all of this and more that characterizes “society” is an insanity on par with thinking of oneself as being an egg and has little to no basis for calling out anyone else for being escapist and ignoring their problems. That said, the similarity we all share by virtue of belonging to the hilarity that is humanity, is a profound ability to seek healing through expression while ignoring the why of our behavior. Not every curious behavior can stem from this, but the reality of it is far too widespread not to make some general remarks. I have met far too many people shilling atheism, as I originally did, from a place of child-like wailing or engage in polyamory because they’re simply playing the field in search of a new monogamy but want to make it sound as if it’s more special than that. It is not, however the tone of this writing so far may indicate, from a place of frustration (or not entirely) that I am speaking but from a place of empathic pain, of shared discomfort and a fierce desire to have others reeling from real healing from within a space real peace.
In a recent conversation with a truly wonderful friend of mine it was brought up that there’s a difficulty in being truthful and wanting to engage in open/honest communication, but also wanting to spare someone the pain of hurt feelings or simply coming across like an uncaring person. We all know the person who declares themselves “too honest,” when the reality is they just like spouting off their opinion no matter the emotional repercussions. The result of this conversation was an emergent principle, or at least one now better articulated, stating that sharing one’s thoughts must first come from a place of acknowledging the space created between the two (or more) people and from within that space know what the boundaries are for expression. At no point does this allow for lying (I agree with Harris that lying is never a good idea, a point I’ll address soon in another entry) and if a question is asked that one may feel uncomfortable addressing fully, the responsibility rests upon the person asking to say how much of or whether they are ready for a full answer. Turning this principle around a bit we come to an answer concerning the current difficulty with expression as escapism rather than expression as freedom. In the manifestation of new behavior let us first ask ourselves what space we are operating out of, both in relation to our internalized stories and with those of whom we are about to share. If the space still holds spots of darkness then let us first begin by addressing them, embracing them, and politely asking them to be gone as they are no longer needed. When the space exists in which those stories no longer have as much power then begin questioning how much the particular behavior is important to do. Often it may not be all that significant anymore and interest may be drawn towards something that is far more life-giving. If it’s still significant, well then by all means, get your groove on and be proud, knowing your expression is from a place of grace and a desire to spread joy.
This process is not an easy one and certainly is not one that I find myself always following through on. I get depressed and will eat an entire pizza rather than addressing the nature of the depression, an expression of myself that brings definite momentary delight but no long-term solution. We all I am quite certain can come up with such small though poignant examples. Life is not always about doing something exactly all the time, but about an upward spiraling of awakening, building upon practice and knowing our dance is beautiful.
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