Internet Filters.

(It’s guest post Friday! Here is a new one from John Crist. John is a standup comedian from Colorado. If you want to guest post, here’s how!)

According to every piece of advice I’ve ever received from any pastor in the last five years, internet filters solve all problems.

Struggling with porn? Get an internet filter.

Want to protect your kids? Get an internet filter.

Have a gluten intolerance? Get an internet filter. (Or, watch this clip of my standup) Link: http://youtu.be/JgSoQj9K0gg

Here’s how it works: A guy (or maybe a girl?) installs software on his computer that tracks his internet browsing behavior, and then it sends an detailed report to a friend who can help keep him accountable. Seems logical right? Well, I have a filter, and I receive reports from a few buddies who have filters too.

Here are the top five awkward conversations that I’ve had as a result of internet filters

1. “Bro, I just got your report. Why were you Googling your ex girlfriend’s name at 1:37am?”

“Um…I was up praying for her. I just want God’s best for her, you know? I wanted to get some information on how to pray for her specifically. Now I’m also praying for her protection from the 27 guys that liked her new Facebook profile picture.”

2. “Dude, I just got your report and was wondering why you uninstalled your accountability software at 2:47am and reinstalled it at 4:12am.”

“Um, I was running an update on my computer. I can’t sleep at night until I know that my Adobe software is up to date.”

3. “Yo brah, I just got your report. You spent 27 hours on Pinterest this week, I’m concerned.”

“What, a man can’t be creative anymore? Plus, Jon Acuff is on Pinterest!”

4. “Brosef, I just got your report. Why were you browsing massage services on Craigslist?”

“Um, I’ve been training for a marathon and my muscles are sore man!

5. “Dude, I just got your report. You are a grown man. Why did you Google ‘How to snort a noodle up your nose and pull it out your mouth?’

“I’m going on a date next week. I want to make a good first impression.”

I won’t tell you which of these questions I asked, and which were asked of me. I’m just saying it can get awkward. And P.S., the Safe Eyes internet filter has saved my life many times. If you’re thinking about getting one, you should. But don’t send your reports to me. It’s gonna be awkward when we meet each other for the first time.

Also, I don’t struggle with lust myself. My pastor recommended I get an internet filter to help me clear up this nasal congestion. It’s allergy season.

(John Crist is a standup comedian from Denver, Colorado. He’ll come tell jokes at your church Christmas party. Book him here or follow him on Twitter.)