Taking a Break

Here’s some honesty for you…

I just got a few bits of bad news today, and I’m not working through it well. This is making me realize something: 

I’m not doing a good job at dealing with this cancer treatment.

Then I get slapped with bad news, and I am really not equipped for bad news right now.

The thing is, one of the side effects of this treatment is depression, so I’m not sure how much of what I’m currently feeling is me and how much is cancer (I have a feeling it’s all cancer. I’m never like this.). I don’t think I’ve ever been this upset or struggled this much emotionally before, but right now I’m really circling the drain emotionally and physically and it’s just hard. It’s too hard for me to balance everything I’m balancing and try to deal with treatment the way I should be. Then again, maybe this is just a bad day…

I’m about mid-treatment right now. I keep telling myself, “It’s almost over. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.” But when I run my hands through my hair and chunks fall out, or I can hardly move because my body aches so much, or I can’t remember things that I’ve never had a problem remembering before – it’s hard to keep that in mind. It’s also hard to keep upbeat when I feel so horrible all the time – like I’m barely human. Then I get bad news, and my already sick, struggling self just spirals.

I’ll be fine. I just need to take some time and get my head on straight. I know this is all my cancer speaking, but right now it’s hard to differentiate between cancer and me, if that makes sense.

I’ll be back in top shape by the time this is over, I know I will be. I’m not naturally like this, so I know it’s the treatment speaking, it’s just so damn hard and it’s making me wonder how much I can trust my “critical” opinion about books and etc right now, which isn’t fair to authors. Plus, I struggle with writing reviews when I feel like this because A) I’m so amazingly exhausted it’s hard to think and B) My memory is suffering so I forget what I’m saying halfway through a sentence and it takes forever to get back on track.

The good news is, I’m reading a ton (it’s distracting me from myself). I’m also writing reviews but not posting them (re: I don’t trust my opinions right now). I’ll probably start posting them occasionally on my ‘good’ days. Right now, however, I think I need to figure out how to deal with myself because I haven’t ever felt like this before, and I’m not handling it well. I’m going to take some time and see if I can get myself back on track.

I’ll be back when I get here. Hopefully not too long. I hope this passes soon. Maybe I’m just having a bad week. It happens.

Anyway, thanks for dealing with me.

P.s. this is a perfect example of my synapsis not firing right. This post is redundant and poorly written but for the life of me I can’t figure out why or how to fix it.