An Explanation, An Apology, and Finding Myself Again

I realize I haven’t said much in the way of blogging–or writing, for that matter–and I felt I needed to come clean to those of you who read my blog and enjoy my books and expect more from me. I wasn’t aware that my “disappearance” was a problem until I found a Facebook message from a Wattpad fan wondering if I was okay, and I felt horrible–I never meant to leave anyone hanging. I’ve just…been going through a lot.

 

So first, I apologize. I haven’t been with it enough to keep updating. I’ve been submerged in depression and just Life In General. The holidays are always a stressful time for me, but all of this…stuff was happening earlier than that, so I can’t blame the time of year. I suffer from anxiety, and on top of that, I’m an extremely sensitive person–too sensitive. I take things too personally and then get myself down. I get overwhelmed easily and my way of escaping? Is to plug into music and blatantly avoid the Big Scary Thing, shut down and just stay far away.

 

And in this case, the issue was writing–and failure.

 

I want to succeed at this “writing thing”. So badly that it hurts. I’ve known I was supposed to be a writer for years…it’s what I’ve always loved to do, to create worlds and spin webs of words and characters and make people fall in love with them. I just have a hard time handling the “other side” of things–the people that *don’t* like my stuff. And that is FINE. People are so different, so complex and wonderful. Nobody HAS to like the same thing. Everyone has opinions. But I tend to take it personal, I think–I believe that they judge me, when in reality? They just didn’t enjoy my book. And it makes me freak out a little bit. Usually I bounce back.

 

But when I’ve lost my zest to even put words down on a page? When I can come up with cute ideas…but don’t know where to even start Chapter One? When I start *having* to write instead of writing because I *love* it? It completely drains me. I announced on both Wattpad and on my blog this summer that I was writing a sequel to Wolfsong–and that’s where I faltered. Because as much as I adore Shae and Aliel and the essence that is Wolfspirit–it’s one of the hardest books I’ve ever written. I started second guessing myself…and my love for writing just went out the window. I struggled for months, trying to make it come out the way I wanted it to.

 

What I have instead of a finished book, is half of a book and my confidence shaken up. So I apologize, but I’ve set it on the shelf. I want to finish it. I just…can’t right now. And that makes me feel like a failure lol.

 

I’ve tried making myself schedules, write x-many words a week, etc. And I just…it’s like pulling teeth to put every word down on the page and then I have to wonder, Do I have what it takes to be an author? God knows I want this, but am *I* a stable enough person to produce books that (some) people will enjoy?

 

I don’t know. And that makes me sad. It makes me scared.

 

I know that, had I this whole “publishing” thing to do over again? I would’ve come at it with a completely different angle. I’ve learned so much from this past year of indie publishing, and I’m glad. I have new ideas on how I want to tackle my next release. But right now?

 

I need a break. I realize that I may be forgotten, as an author, to my readers, but I can’t keep pushing myself to write when I don’t enjoy the craft. So I’m going to take time off and unplug. I’m going to write for me, not for publication. I need to find the love, the passion, and harness it again. I hope to stockpile up some novels to release mid-year. I have several series in my mind, in the works. I just need to find myself to write these books.

 

To everyone who’s read and enjoyed my books–any of them–I thank you. So much. And I hope that when I come back, you’ll continue to read my worlds.

 

I encourage you to “like” my Facebook author page, Kodilynn Calhoun.

This is where I’ll be updating everything from now on. I’m going to turn the website into less of a blog and more of a news slash reader hub. I’m working on making the site more user friendly and more fitting, so it’ll be a work-in-progress.

 

Thank you guys.

 

-Kodi