Essa’s Solutions to Writer’s Block
Occasionally, if you can believe it, I just run out of stuff to say. Sometimes, I have no opinion to share. It’s rare, but it happens. It generally coincides exactly with the levels of illicit substances that I have in my blood stream. Check it out, I made a chart. I knew there was a reason I got Excel!
Like anyone who writes for a living, writer’s block in any form could soon have me giving out hand jobs at the bus station for spare change. So, I’ve had to develop a few fast ways to deal with writer’s block. I have copied the ways of many famous authors and in their honor, have named the methods after them.
The Earnest Hemingway
This one is my favorite method for overcoming writers block. All you need to do is drink until everything gets really profound and hire an excellent editor. Did you know that “A Farewell to Arms” was actually nothing more than a drunk and dial that Hemingway left for one of his ex’s? At the time, they didn’t have answering machines, so the entire text of the message had to be transferred via telegram. The actual telegram was 75 pages long and took 12 hours to deliver. In the edited version, over 247 instances of the phrase ‘nagging cunt’ were removed.*
The John Steinbeck
The best writers are depressed writers. Nothing is more depressing than poor people. Hanging out with them will make you a better writer. If you’re too happy here in the US, take a trip to Moscow, where everything is always slightly grey and hang out in the slums. Just suck in all the human sadness and misery and you’re well on your way to a Pulitzer. Sure, you’ll be depressing as hell and no one will be able to tolerate you for long, but you’ll be famous.
The Janet Evanovich
Write one story. Put it in an article spinner and reproduce it in 19 full-length novels, four holiday novellas, and a short story. For Christ sakes Evanovich, Stephanie Plum has been 29 for almost 20 years! She can’t still be deciding who she wants! In the real world, Stephanie Plum would be in menopause and Ranger and Morelli would be fucking 20-year-olds from an onset of midlife crisis. And Katherine Heigl for the movie? I mean, I know you weren’t in charge of the movie but couldn’t you have negotiated that into the contract? Some kind of clause like ‘I’m selling you the rights to the movie on the condition that Kathryn Heigl is not considered for the lead’.
Sorry, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, writers block.
The James Patterson
Do the exact same thing as Evanovich, without even the courtesy of writing a story. Instead, write an outline for the same story 17 times and hire ghostwriters to do the rest. Can’t catch writers block if you don’t write!
The Elmore Leonard
Just be born awesome.
The Essa Alroc
Write about writers block. It occurred to me about halfway through this blog that if I was writing a blog about not being able to write, then technically, I was writing and that’s all right. So I don’t have writers block.
Also, I use a variation of the Hemingway and the Salinger; a steady, reclusive period of substance abuse. I’m not entirely sure when the last time I changed my clothes was. Good times.
Now that my writers block is over, I guess its time to get back to work. Maybe I’ll make another chart.
* Story is entirely made up, but doesn’t it sound like it could be right?
