What I Would Have Told Myself 10 Years Ago

The other day I received a notification on facebook inviting me to join a group for my high school ten-year reunion.

Initially, I shuddered.

Before I go any further, I do realize that I am still young and have years ahead of me, God willing, but a ten-year high school reunion seemed light years away when I graduated. So, the fact that it is very much upon us is straight up weird to me. And yes, I just said straight up.

The little red notification box got my mind spinning in all sorts of directions.

One very interesting thing about my generation is that facebook was released the year we graduated. Although I didn’t actually get a facebook account until a couple years later, I’ve essentially had facebook since I graduated.

That means that not a lot is left to my imagination. Since I walked across that stage to accept my diploma, I know who has gotten married, had babies, started their own businesses, traveled the world, moved to a different state, gotten divorced, and even, sadly, passed away. When you graduate in a class of 700, a lot can happen in ten years. I don’t often wonder about my fellow classmates because I see their faces pop up on my news feed.

However, if I’m being really honest, the other direction my mind immediately went was negative.

I’m pretty sure if I dug around enough, somewhere I could find a paper written on what my ten years after graduation would look like. I know without a doubt it included a husband and kids on there, and here we are ten years later, and that’s a far cry from reality.

What is it about having a spouse and kids that make you feel validated in front of others and worthless if you don’t? Oh, the enemy sure is crafty.

Do I know better? I absolutely do. I know from the depths of my soul and heart that a spouse and kids are simply a gift from God, same as having a job, or a ministry. If I put my identity in those things alone, I’m bound to lose my identity at some point.

But the weirdest thing for me is that I was that girl in high school. I was the girl that didn’t date at all, and in my ugly flesh, I wanted things to be different ten years later. But they’re just not. And that’s what rose up in me as I clicked on that notification.

Did it wound my pride just a little? You bet it did.

Because the truth is, inside every grown woman, there’s still a 7th grade girl that wants to be the pursued, adored and chosen one. As girls, we want to feel special and loved. As grown ups, we still have crushes, we just don’t admit and giggle about them like we used to.

This past Tuesday night we launched Bible study! It was an amazing night with an exceptional word. Because of a few jobs I’ve been given for those specific evenings, I am unable to take notes. This note-taker about had a fit when I realized I wouldn’t be putting any pen to paper, but once I got over it, I was able to listen and receive. Although I tend to have an elephant brain, there is still so much I don’t remember. But one thing I know for certain is that not one of the 4,000 ladies could have walked out of there without the faithful truth that we are chosen and loved by God.

That isn’t just a mushy, make you feel good comment, it’s a fresh, biblical reality we all needed to hear.

I would know, because I’m that grown woman who desires to be pursued, chosen and adored. And the truth is, according to 1 Thessalonians 1:4, I already am.

If I could go back, I would have told myself ten years ago that although in ten years life may not look like I dreamed or expected, the way the Lord has engineered my circumstances up until now are better than I could have engineered them. I would have told myself to chill out, that having a husband and children, though a legitimate desire of my heart, doesn’t mean I’ve arrived. I would have told myself that God indeed writes a better story than I can or ever will.

Every time I’ve tried to go after something myself the past ten years, God has thwarted my plan. Every time I’ve tried to hold onto something that wasn’t of Him, He’s snatched it right out of my hands. Every time I’ve pretended to be in control, He’s proven to me that He is faithful, and I’d rather Him be in control, even if I’m perplexed by what He’s doing. Every time I’ve doubted His goodness, I’m reminded that even when circumstances aren’t necessarily good, He is working all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

I don’t know if I’ll attend my ten-year reunion. To be honest, I’m still that insecure high school girl that is waiting to see who ends up going, and then I’ll make my decision. Husband-less. Child-less. I still have a God who’s been exceedingly faithful to me even when I’ve been completely faithless.

It’s been a good ten years.

I’m praying for immeasurably more to the glory of God for the next ten years.

Only the Lord knows what I’ll be writing then.

Hindsight is always 20/20, is it not?