How to live a skillful life

Several years ago a wise friend of mine and former Buddhist monk explained that challenges – or things that we have a hard time dealing with – are simply things we are less skilled at.

In other words: certain situations feel hard, not because they are bad or wrong, but simply because we haven’t practiced them enough.

I like that thought. I like this notion that I can grow and get better at even the most difficult things. That feels optimistic. I think too, that this explains why even some of the best moments of our lives are laced with things that feel a bit challenging.

Take for example, my recent book tour. I was on the road in many of my favorite places – bookstores – talking about a topic I love – spirituality – with audiences that were engaged and kind and wise. It was a profound, fun, exciting, and satisfying experience.  It was also tough. I missed my family. I became physically worn. I was sometimes nervous. And there was a great deal of uncertainty. When I remembered that those feelings weren’t wrong, when I recognized that there was nothing to be solved, no way I had to feel or “be,” I relaxed into the experience and the challenge that was a part of it. Then, I learned a lot from the experience and found moments filled with great meaning.

The challenge, as I knew it, came up simply because I was unskilled. I’d never lived that particular experience before, so I was learning. The uncomfortable moments were growing pains. Knowing that took the heat out of any of the negative feelings that I encountered and allowed me to get curious.

Growing pains

Life is like this. We know that people who are engaged in their passions are happier and healthier than others, but challenge too is part of this passion. For something to intrigue us, inspire us, drive us – for something to become our passion – it must also challenge us. We are not passionate about things that are easy. We are not engaged wholly by the things we have all the answers to. We are driven by our passions in part because we haven’t quite mastered them.

This is true in the moments of everyday life. We are rarely entranced by the things we know how to do well – like laundry folding, or the weekly work meeting. We complain about the daily routine. Yet,  when something sweeps into our lives like an illness, a death, a new job, a new baby, a divorce or other life transition and we long for the moments when we had it all figured out.

But, when we go through these moments we also grow through them. We get better at coping.

Life doesn’t always (read: rarely) serve up the pristine experience you desire, but even when it’s a mess, even when things feel totally screwed, when you don’t know what to do and it seems like nothing is working, you can trust that it all is. That the discomfort is part of it, not because you’ve done something in error, but because it’s the practice you need to get better.

The challenges aren’t bad or wrong. Of course they aren’t easy. You don’t have to like ‘em. But, they’ll be coming your way anyhow, so it helps if you remember that they contain meaning for you. Simply knowing that – just by remembering that what you are going through is meaningful – can make the experience a tad bit easier.

Just like riding a bike

Raising a kid is not easy. Nor is starting a new business, or healing from an illness or dealing with a death. Or staying married. Or, not staying married. Nope. Not Easy. But, not wrong either. Not bad. Not punishment. Not failure. Just a chance to hone your life skills.

Think of riding a bike for the first time. You fall off. Or run  into the curb. Or off the curb. You get skinned. You cry. You feel afraid. You may whine. Then, at some point you get up on that bike again. And, you do a little better this time. You know a bit more about how to steer that thing. Because of the fall, that singular challenge, you’ve become a bit more skilled. You stay on the bike longer this time. And when you fall again, you have more information still.

And pretty soon, you own that bike and you can ride it anywhere. And, when you do, you never again forget how to balance. And life is a bit better because you can ride through it now. Yet, because of the falls you endured in the beginning, there is greater  meaning, greater satisfaction in your ability to ride at all.

 

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