Free Pass

Some days, you just need to tell everyone to go jump in a lake. To go away. To leave you alone.

Some days, you need the freedom to speak without editing. To forget about feelings. To ignore the consequences.

Some days, you need to do what you want. When you want. However you want.

Some days, I want to move to Wyoming, where there are more horses than people, where there is more sky than big buildings, where there is freedom to breathe. It’s where I dream of running away (Of course, now I’ll have to find a new place, since you’ll all know where to find me! [image error] ).

When I worked in New York, I would wonder what would happen if, instead of walking from the train to my office, I kept walking. What would happen if I turned left, rather than right. Knowing me, I’d get hopelessly lost and never find my way back (Yes, I know NYC is a big grid, but trust me, I can get lost anywhere). I never actually did it, because there were too many consequences, but I always did wonder.

These days, I don’t often wonder about disappearing into the ether. I’m too invested in my life to want to leave it behind. But there are days that I wish I could disappear for just a short while, where I could get a “Free Pass” for a day. I could use my “Free Pass” to say and do whatever I wanted, without consequences. I could think only of myself, but nothing I did would affect anyone else. I could finally say what’s on my mind without worrying about how it sounds.

I suspect it wouldn’t be nearly as liberating as I imagine it to be. I suspect I’d feel guilty, get lonely and get bored. And no matter how “free” that pass is, I’d pay for it later, in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. So, rather than take a “Free Pass” for a day, I’ll hug my kids, kiss my husband, do what I’m supposed to do, consider others as best I can and bite my tongue. And find a LOT of chocolate.