The Predators Must Smell Blood

As many folks know, I was laid off from my last full-time, regular “day job” back in October of 2011. I had been an interactive marketing producer — the guy who helps come up with fun, compelling, sometimes “viral” online features, games, websites and videos to promote movies, TV shows, and home entertainment releases, and then acts as the coordinator of all the creative assets (developers, designers, artists) and as the agency liaison with the client (usually a director or VP of marketing at a movie studio.)

That flaming, explosive, break-the-frame “Machete” banner ad that was everywhere for a while? The “Bridesmaids” thing where you put your friends’ faces on the characters in the trailer? The websites for “The Five-Year Engagement” and “50/50?” Those were mine, among others.

Anyway, the agency I worked for was also very keen to produce their own original content, and that shiny, maybe-someday goal often consumed them more than the importance of finding new business. Bottom line? On Wednesday we were family, and on Friday they told me they couldn’t afford to pay me if I came to work on Monday.

So, since the end of 2011, I’ve submitted scores of resumes, helped a bunch of clients with assorted freelance creative services, hustled to find new clients, and, of course, took advantage of unemployment insurance.

The resumes have vanished into the aether, and more follow them every week. The clients I have are lovely. I’m keen to find a few more. And my unemployment ran out for good on December 29th, 2012, just like it did for about a quarter of a million other folks on that day.

Right around the same time, the too-good-to-be-true emails started to show up.

Up From The Depths

I received this today, (allegedly) from , the multi-award nominated screenwriter of “Care Bears: Big Wish Movie” and “Beethoven’s 3rd.” He (maybe not him) offered to partner with me on intellectual properties I might have in my pocket that would be appropriate for young adults.

The reason I suspect Jeff might not actually be behind this “huge” opportunity is, oh, hello, the link to submit my IP ideas to him leads to a dead page on his website. Also, it’s pretty funny that a professional writer would craft this gem of a subject line:

“An Real, Legit Opportunity”

Yeah. Pass.

This was just the latest in a steady stream of odd, scammy, not-quite-right business opportunities, no-experience-necessary gigs, and off-kilter offerings arriving in my in-box.

Like the marketing firm with the long list of supposed big-brand clients… the marketing firm “now opening a new office in Long Beach (my town).” Except that the office is actually in a suite in a downtown office building that rents mailboxes (virtual offices, they call them) and the website domain name was registered two months ago. Did they not think I’d check?

Or the hook-line-and-stinker solicitation for me to babysit the son and daughter of a couple coming to California for a week to go house hunting. Three hundred and fifty dollars for a week, plus fifty dollars for expenses, and please provide my name, address. marital status(?), phone number and age just as soon as possible.

A bit too similar to be a coincidence, I got another email practically begging me to watch after some guy’s elderly veteran dad for a week. Same request for personal information.

By the way, those last two were in response to a Craigslist ad I posted, a “for hire” thing advertising my creative services. When I wrote both of those two back to say, essentially, “Um, did you read the ad? I’m not qualified to, nor am I soliciting to, babysit or wipe your dad’s ass for him,” the second wrote me back with an enthusiastic, “Great, when can you start? And don’t forget to get me that information I need!”

Silly robots. Be smarter.

I’ve Been Slimed

It’s discouraging, because some of these obviously scammy / spammy solicitations come to me via supposedly legitimate job-hunting websites. These are sites that should be reliable services in the quest for gainful employment, since, y’know, the classified ad section of your local newspaper barely serves in that role anymore.

Instead, they’re like tiger traps for fly-by-night toothed-asshole predators. I’m sick of it, but I don’t know what to do about it.

Other than ignore them, of course… but it still takes time and energy to vet them when they arrive, and each time it happens it chips at my normally cheery, optimistic opinion of humanity. I mean, seriously: what kind of slimy shithole takes advantage of people who need work and don’t have any money?

A Tasty Morsel Am I

Even though I know I’m just the next email address on their list, it’s easy to feel persecuted, singled out, and specially targeted by the scammers. I mean, I am brilliant.

Seriously. I’m not bullshitting or engaging in hyperbole when I say I’m a very talented creator with a highly developed narrative sense and a strong customer / client focus. I’ve been preaching, promoting and performing ethical social networking / new media marketing techniques since before “social network” was written in blue and white… way back when “new media” meant CD-ROMS. I’m funny, I have heart, and I’m not afraid to ask difficult questions in the service of a better final product.

I know my shit, and I kick ass.

It’s just plain stupid that I get three or four “job offers” a week from robot spiders and snake oil salesmen while my resumes and client proposals drift like lost snowflakes. Do you people know who I am???

Seriously.

Almost All Ranted Out

I think I spat what I wanted to spit. For now, anyway. I’m almost positive I’ll receive another super opportunity at a rock star company where I can earn thousands of dollars part time when I open my in-box tomorrow morning.

The Pitch At the End of the Post You’ve All Been Waiting For

Meanwhile… maybe I can help you! And if I can’t help you… you might know someone in need of my services. In fact, if you refer a new client to MWS Media in 2013, I’ll pay you 10% of that client’s first paid invoice. As they say on TV, conditions apply, naturally. Keep your eyes open for me, will you?

Not sure if I do a certain thing or offer a particular service? Don’t be shy, ask me. I’ve been in the services business in one way or another for a very long time. That means my toolkit is chock full of mad skills. Let me help!

This is a post from Matthew Wayne Selznick. Thanks for reading The Predators Must Smell Blood -- please click through and comment, and share with everyone you know!