GUEST POST: DIARY OF A STRAIGHT PERSON
Like all homosexuals I have never actually spoken to a straight person. Sometimes I gaze at the night sky and wonder at the mystery of the heterosexual world. Thankfully ‘Mork Manton’ has written the totally accurate, totally heterosexual guest post ‘Diary of a Straight Person’, in order to enlighten us lesser beings on the average day for a regular straight bloke. Enjoy.
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Fucking finally got permission from the missus to get the lads together. Me and Steve and Kyle went for a curry but Kyle was late cos he forgot to put petrol in his car. Fucking idiot left me and Steve alone for an hour. We ordered two pints of Kingfisher which glistened at each other mischievously as they travelled from hand to mouth.
Kyle finally got here and we ordered our curries. Me and Steve got a Madras and Kyle said he’d have the one that’s one spicier than a Vindaloo that they don’t even put on the menu cos it’s so spicy. Ours were fucking delicious but Kyle took one bite of his and chucked his beer over his face and downed the jug of water on the table. It was fucking HILARIOUS. He had a couple more bites and did it again, then he went to the toilet to stick his mouth under the tap. He had the shits all night. So I was left alone with Steve again as we finished our curries and a naan carelessly torn in half, our mouths burning up from the fire but savouring the sweet taste.
After the curry we called up Gary and went round to his cos his bird was out. We asked Gary if she’s still barking or if he’s taken her to be put down already. We had a few more at his and got shitfaced. Gary had to go upstairs to sort out a deal and Kyle passed out. I asked Steve, “You know what would be fucking HILARIOUS? If you wanked me off and I came on Kyle’s face.” So we did it. Steve moved rapidly from gentle tug to a mighty pull, his eyes widening as the machine-like hand jerked and jerked. I thought maybe he should be slower, but there was no time. This was urgent. An emergency. And when the emergency came to its climax I draped Kyle in the hot, wet mess and it gently slid into to the contours of his face. Steve and I and walked back to our separate spots on each end of the sofa and looked at each other and grinned, like we’d just saved the life of someone blissfully unaware they’re in any danger.
And then Kyle woke up and was like “Who the fuck came on my face?” It was fucking HILARIOUS.
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