Aristotle’s predictions for 2013

Prediction No. 77 b: Phil Hughes to be approached by producers looking to revive the Friday the 13th franchise
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Two thousand and thirteen promises to be one of the least diverse years in England’s recent cricketing history. In the next 13 months, they will play 15 Tests, 25 ODIs (one or two more if they qualify for the semi-finals of the Champions Trophy), and ten T20Is. After the impending five-match ODI series in India, all but two of their remaining currently scheduled total of 105 potential days of international cricket will be against New Zealand (up to 37 days: five Tests, seven ODIs, five T20Is) or Australia (up to 66 days: ten Tests, 11 ODIs, five T20Is).

A group-stage Champions Trophy game against Sri Lanka, and a one-off ODI versus Ireland, offer the only non-antipodean variety in this oversized blancmange of cricketing homogeneity. As Aristotle once sagely said: “You can have too much of a good thing.” Admittedly, the former professional philosopher said that after waking up naked on top of the Parthenon after a few too many flagons of cheap ouzo and an unsuccessful wrestle with a man in a pantomime lion outfit claiming to be Hercules (Source: The Complete and Incontrovertible Oxford History of Classical Philosophy [1875], by Prof VZ Snutterbuck OBE, Vol. VII, pp. 213-279). However, the famously wise old celeb had a point.

All the indications suggest that, had Aristotle been born in a cricket-playing nation at some point in the mid-to-late 20th century, he would have been a big cricket fan, and quite probably a journalist and/or commentator (Source: From Confucius to Wittgenstein: Dead Philosophers I Would Like To See Me Bowl [2012], by JW Dernbach).

As such, Aristotle would undoubtedly have sat down on New Year’s day and thought: “Emotionally and logistically, I am going to have to prioritise. Even I, as a hardcore fan of the great game and, more importantly, as the senior cricket correspondent of the Harvard Journal of Ethical Philosophy and Bat Sports, I simply cannot care about all of those days of cricket. And whilst I love the Ashes and everything it stands for, its traditions and its ancient rivalry that has carved a compelling narrative through the last 136 years of history, even I might struggle to be overwhelmingly excited by watching the 38th Trott v Siddle duel of the year. Ah well, beats having a proper job.

“Tell you what ‒ I’ll set myself a challenge,” the ace-class thinkster would continue. “I’ll try to write the words ‘Phil Hughes edged to third slip’ on fewer than 25 occasions this year. It’s going to be tough but I’ll give it a go. And I’ll try to enjoy the ODI series in India whilst I have the chance. Even if it is tagged on as a bit of an afterthought to last year’s Test series, and even if England are resting key players because they also have to prioritise what cricket they most care about ‒ because they have somehow scheduled themselves 103 days of cricket against just two countries from the other side of the planet in the next 13 months.”

Aristotle would conclude: “I am going to make two predictions for this year. Prediction One: if on 31 December 2013 you ask 100 randomly selected cricket fans what the scoreline was in the five-match ODI series between England and Australia in September, a maximum of three will give you the correct answer. Two of them will have guessed it, and the other one will only remember because he landed a 12,000,000-1 accumulator bet because of it (the other three bets in which were: the British media to get overexcited at the birth of the magic royal baby; at least one six to be hit in this year’s IPL; and Chris Martin to score a Test hundred at Lord’s).

“And Prediction Two: on current form, and with this schedule, effigies of Alastair Cook are going to be the biggest-selling Christmas gift of 2013 in 99% of all Australian shops.”