Don't Watch This Movie

Conan

So I like the old Conan movies as much as the next fantasy buffs. Drunken camel punching should be an Olympic sport, and all.

The NEW Conan movie? The one made in 2011?

So. So so bad.

Spoilers

SO MANY SPOILERS AHEAD. Not that it matters. Can you spoil already-rotting meat?

My Reasons, Let Me Show You Them

First off, the movie would be hilarious if there was any indication that it realized how hilarious it was.

Secondly, this clip was released before the movie, and it honestly makes the movie look great. Just enough over-the-top to be fun, right? I was prepared for a bloody festival with a bit of self-fun-jiggery-pokery. (You can stop watching at 2:50)

Rescuing the Slaves

Right, so. When first we meet slightly-older Conan, he has his band of merry men and they are on a cliff, overlooking a slave camp. (There is rather a lot of scenic overlooking in this movie, which is totally forgivable while still being funny).

This, my little bunnies, is what we call the “Saving the Cat” scene. This is where Conan is going to do something so kind-hearted that we will forgive all the blood and killing and stuff, because obviously he’s a Really Nice Guy Deep Down.

This is also, by the way, where first we are treated to the actor piloting Conan’s terrible terrible acting. *wince*

So anyway. Conan sees these slaves and is apparently moved? by their plight and wants to rescue them. I might have preferred a stronger motivation, but it’s the beginning of the movie. Sure. Go right ahead.

We see a scene where the barbarians war-shout and lift their weapons (there is also rather a lot of weapon raising FOR NO REASON. This is less forgivable, but hilarious the tenth time it happens). The horses beneath them, might I add, look so bored that I’m surprised one of them doesn’t yawn. This is good because it means the horses were likely well-treated during the filming of the movie, but any equine buff is going to get a giggle at how NOT excited they are by the yelling.

Right, so. Back to the slaves.

We’re going to RESCUE them! How, might you ask? By rolling boulders down upon them.

*facepalm*

Magically, the boulders only hurt the slavers. And some cabbage. But mostly slavers.

Battle ends. They open the big carnival wagons and release the slaves (gratuitous booby shots ahoy!). Conan GRABS ONE OF THE SLAVES AND MAKES OFF WITH HER. So you rescued them so they could be YOUR whores?

How … noble?

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the slaves are giggling and jiggling and clearly ready to party.

I just. I don’t even. I mean. *headdesk*

I did not come away from this Cat-Saving scene feeling that Conan is obviously a Really Nice Guy Deep Down.

In Which I Almost Throw Up

I will spare the details, but there’s a scene not-too-far past this where Conan tortures a guy for information. I will say only that they went way, WAY too far, and pretty much murdered any chance that I might ever give even an iota of a fragment of an atom about Conan or his quest.

And I LIKE bloodfest movies.

Your Princess Is In Another Castle

One entire arm of the story turns the whole movie into a video game.

You see, Conan must get into the castle in order to save The Girl. He finds a door hidden in a hedge that he cannot open, for all his mighty muscles and sword-lifting.

So he goes to get the King of Thieves to open it for him. The King of Thieves is a coward, of course, but Conan threatens him, so he comes along.

And opens the doors.

With a key.

… a key that Conan is apparently too stupid to be able to use? I mean, there’s the key but then there’s the hole, and you have to do that turning motion … very complicated.

Right, anyway. So the King of Thieves comes along and they creep through the castle bottom and end up having a giant battle with a random tentacle monster because plot.

Whatever.

They make their way to the TOP of the castle and stand on a picturesque vista and see in the distance … the caravan trail of horses that contains the actual bad guy and The Girl.

So the entire castle scene was written in for the tentacle monster fight. Despite the fact that we’d never before met said tentacle monster, so it wasn’t even a miniboss or something.

Riiiight.

And then I’ll stop

Not because there aren’t a ton of other mockable things in the movie (there ARE. There really, really are.) but rather because at this point I’ve either talked you into watching the movie or convinced you to run screaming from it if you happen across it in the bulk bins at Walmart.

Anyone Else?

Anyone else seen this atrocity? Have anything to add?

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