Voice Activation Required

Just bought a new car for the Lovely Old Lady (LOL).  Some of the best advice I ever received was, “If it’s got wheels or tits sooner or later its going to give you problems”.  With that in mind I look for one thing in a new car: the lowest price possible.  Having settled on the make and model (Toyota 4Runner) the only decision left was the style.  Having owned a Honda Civic with no radio, the base model seemed pretty nice to me.  For about $3,000 more or less than $50 a month you could get all the bells and whistles including seat warmers and voice activated entertainment and GPS.  Initially I told the salesman that  cloth seats and old fashioned AM/FM (does anyone even listen to the radio anyone?) would be fine.  The LOL chimed in, “Yeah, after all I’ve done he’s too cheap to spend the money to keep my ass warm.”  Given that she has done a lot and her butt is cold, ice cold by my touch, I figured it was $50 a month well spent.

So on Friday night we get the vehicle home and pull out the manual.  The history of Constitutional Law in America is both shorter and easier to understand than the owner’s manual.  I initially tried the “quick start guide”  which seemed to refer you back to the owner’s manual repeatedly.  Getting late the LOL said, “You can just program the radio”.  I explained that the voice recognition system needed to be programmed to her voice.  (After all I’ve heard enough of it, the whole neighborhood can identify it (Jesus Christ, Albie What the F!), so why should the car be spared.

So we both entered the front seat and started the vehicle.  The computer voice said, “Hello, how can I help you?”  Reading from the manual, I tried to instruct the LOL.  ”Don’t tell me what to do,” she screamed. “Programming FM2″ said the computer voice.  I hit the reset button but every time I tried to direct her, she responded, “stop telling me what to do” which prompted the computer to respond, “programming FM2″.   The LOL is not a big fan of people or computers as it turns out not doing what their told.  ”F-Off” she said to me. To which the computer said, “System turning off”.  With that it was back in the house.

Seems my troubles were just beginning.  As I entered the house she said, “Now, there’s something wrong with the TV.”  I wonder if the head of the NASA space program’s entertainment system works with one remote?   Despite explaining to her that you have to use a combination of old fashioned manual and two clickers she’s determined to use one universal remote.  When that doesn’t work she starts pounding remote buttons, randomly.  Now, as you probably know the buttons need to be programmed sequentially.  So hitting them randomly in a panic is like undoing a completed Rubic’s cube.  I went to the receiver to try and diagnose the problem.  The first thing I noticed was the iPod cord was now on top of the receiver.   In order to get the cord coiled nice and neatly it had to be unplugged.  I know its more important that things actually look good rather then function but given the 200 inputs on the receiver’s back panel I had no idea where to reinsert the cord.  When I confronted the LOL she stated, “That cord was never connected”.  Now I’m not Steve Jobs but I’m pretty sure Apple doesn’t send extra cords just to be placed neatly on top of equipment.  This, however, did reveal another trouble spot.  As I have written before dust is the enemy.  Seems that when dust inevitably gathers on the receiver knobs and/or dials it must be both immediately (daily if not hourly) and aggressively removed.  This of course results in the additional random pressing of the dozens of buttons on the receiver.

If you come over you unless you like silence you may want to bring headphones. Otherwise we can sit in the car and see if anything is playing on FM2.

KOKO