When Truth does not Mirror Belief
In light of something rather unpleasant going down in my professional life, I wrote the following last night on my FB Page:
I’m thinking tonight about integrity, which is telling the truth to yourself, and honesty, or telling the truth to other people. When a person has both qualities, and a willingness to do their best in all their endeavors, you’ve got the sort of person we all like to call “a keeper.” I strive to be that sort of person, and while I may fail at it sometimes, I sure do give my all.
Truth can mirror belief;
belief, truth.
This was my very indirect way of addressing a suggestion that I did not fulfill a professional commitment. What I wanted to say is: hell yes, of course I kept my word. But the question unasked is how do I address what someone believes about me, and whether I should care enough to even try?
One of my close friends has written both in her blog and her Facebook Page about this subject in the context of testifying in court against an abuser while she was in elementary school. She was warned that no one would believe her. Later, when contemplating the issue as an adult, Deb Bryan wrote:
Whose belief matters? As some of you know, I am fond of saying, “Your belief is irrelevant.” That’s not totally true.
If you are irrelevant to me, your belief is irrelevant to me. The way that you make yourself irrelevant to me is to show yourself not thoughtless–for aren’t we all, at times?–but consideredly untruthful, intentionally ignorant of plain facts or malicious. See https://www.facebook.com/yourclosetmonster, Wednesday, November 14, 2012.
From a personal standpoint, I too have wrestled with the issue of figuring out whose belief matters. I was sexually abused as a child, and my family did not—does not– believe me. Does this matter? It used to matter, but at some point frankly, their belief became irrelevant.
At some point next year, I’ll publish my memoirs and perhaps a shit storm will follow. Let me be painfully honest: one of my worst nightmares is that I’ll be speaking to a crowd and my mom and dad will rise from the back row and start screaming at me. If they find out about the book (and I hope they don’t), my birth family will attack, decry and further disown me. “Elaine the pain is still insane,” which has been the party line for decades, will serve as the foundation for their response.
And you know what? I don’t care. Because they’re irrelevant to me now. At least, that’s the state of mind I’m reaching for, and if I haven’t reached it yet, that doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t.
That brings me back to the painful professional circumstance I find myself in. Last night, I fell asleep thinking, what do I do? I didn’t sleep well. I dreamed that my family was beating me up again. I have these PTSD dreams every night, and when the alarm clock buzzed, I felt my ribs to see if they still hurt. They didn’t. And as soon as I realized that I wasn’t stuck in some horror-fantasy, I realized that only I am responsible for who and what matters to me.
By not carrying their misbegotten beliefs on my shoulders, they can no longer rain blows either mental or physical down on me. They are irrelevant, and since irrelevant, their beliefs are too.
God’s grace.
As far as my professional reputation, I have no control over what others think about me. As scary as it may seem, people are going to believe what they want to believe. Some of the stuff said and written about me may well be malicious, without factual basis, and easily proven false. Despite all of that, some may believe the worst about me.
And you know what? That’s alright. Their belief is irrelevant because it doesn’t change who or what I am.
There’s a final piece in this puzzle, and of course it’s the most important piece. The true arbiter of all matters controversial is God. He is the only one I need answer to, and there’s an amazing feeling of peace that comes with that. Call it what you will—I call it grace. With God’s grace, whatever belief others hold about me truly is irrelevant.
Filed under: Abuse, Childhood, Friendship, Self-Help, Spirituality, writing Tagged: belief, facts, God's grace, integrity, lies, personal reputation, personal responsibility, truth
