Who Gives?

As a medical transcriptionist, I once found myself listening to an ER doctor dictate the story of a decapitation. I was horrified to listen to the details of the accident, in which a young girl lost her head. Even more disturbing was to hear of the others, who had seen it happen, coming into the ER.

So when I read about Jesus receiving news of the beheading of his cousin, I had a visceral reaction that made me sick to my stomach.

(Have patience until I can explain what this has to do with your marriage.)

Jesus made an attempt to withdraw to a quiet place to try to absorb the news. Can you imagine the traumatic images going through his mind, as he thought of John’s death? How long would a person need to retreat from life in order to recover from such a family tragedy?

But then came the crowds –sick and desperate for relief from pain and suffering. Jesus was their last hope for healing.

So, we see that Jesus needed to recover from breath-stealing grief, and the crowd clamored for healing. These two needs collided in the same hour, and I imagine Jesus paused long, with shoulders sagging –staring at the crowd. Gauging the needs of the people in front of him while feeling the pull of a quiet place to process His deep loss. Few have ever deserved a sheltered place to process trauma more than Jesus did on that day.

It was a crisis.

If Jesus were to turn toward the crowd, he would be forced to put on the shelf his own broiling emotions. If the crowd were turned away, they would be forced to put on the shelf their hope. Like the law of physics, which says two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, it was physically impossible for the needs of all to be fulfilled simultaneously in that moment in time.

This is what happened: “When Jesus saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.” (Matthew 14:14 NIV)

I wonder what work had to be done in Jesus’ mind and soul, in order for him to put down his own feelings and pick up the needs of the people? In a great show of love and sacrifice, Jesus laid down the needs of His own life on that day.

This is what marriage is like almost every day.

Just like Jesus had a legitimate, understandable need in his life, wives have legitimate, understandable needs in their lives. Just like the crowd had legitimate, understandable needs, husbands have legitimate, understandable needs. The problem is there seldom room for both needs to be met at the same time.

So who gives?

The wife could say, But my need is really important.

The husband could say, But my need is really important.

A loving life who desires to show respect to her husband must be willing to regularly (not always, but regularly) lay down her own need to serve the need of her husband.

It requires a great internal work to deny the gaping need of one’s own soul out of love for one’s husband.

It seems like we’ll lose much if we give up our own need, but the surprise is that there is reward. The sacrifice produces a depth of love in the marriage that eventually pays back to each person more than it cost. The practice of self-denial is the stuff great marriages are made of.