On Depression

It is interesting, having been someone who suffered from a long bout of depression, to see someone very close to me suffering from it as well. Interesting in a bad way, not a good way. Here are some things that I think are important to remember:

1. If someone tells you they are depressed, do not give them a list of reasons why they should be happy. Do not try to convince them to "snap out of it." Do not try to tell them that they are wrong to be depressed, that they sould praise God for all their blessings, that there is nothing really, seriously wrong with their life. Instead, listen and make yourself someone who "understands."

2. Someone who is depressed has probably thought through all of these things already and is at a loss as to why they continue to be depressed, even so. They probably have spent a downward-thinking cycle, telling themselves that they must be a terrible person, that they can't even be happy about happy things, that they can't see their own blessings. It is not helpful to contribute to this cycle.

3. If someone is depressed, also do not tell them that you also have been lonely, sad, or that you were picked on in school, that you had no friends, and that you just "kept at it" and had success "being who you are." Unless you were also depressed and thinking about ending your life, you may take this as a chance to learn about depression and not assume that you already understand what it is like.

4. People who are depressed may say things that other people say, like, I have no friends. Or, I'm not good at anything. Or, I'm fat and ugly. Or, everyone is mean to me. BUT (and here is the key): their sense of reality and the reality that others perceive is not the same. This is one of the main symptoms of having a mental illness. So instead of trying to talk them out of the depression, take this as a very serious sign that something is wrong.

5. Imagine for a moment what it is like to be depressed. Your mind is ill. It is unreliable. The very organ that most people use to help them sort out the world, to tell them what to do, to give them information to help them make decisions--isn't working. Think about how frightening that would be. You can't rely on any of the signals you normally rely on. You don't know anything. Everything seems wrong, but when you try to make it right, it doesn't work.

6. It would be great if someone who is depressed could rely on the opinions of others around. But the problem is that, as with everyone else, depressed people tend to get positive feedback (in a strange way) from those who are as depressed and unreasonable as they are. So they often stop listening to the people who were once closest to them, who are giving them the best, truest information they know how.

7. Friends and family really do tend to become fatigued dealing with depression. They become depressed trying to help. And sometimes, the unrelenting horror can be enough that they withdraw from the person who needs their support the most. Sometimes this simply has to happen to allow others to keep up their mental health, as well. But it means that a depressed person may actually be losing friends because of the depression. And talking about problems to others can sometimes make things worse in this way.