Communicating with Children and Supporting them in Difficult Times
By Hiromi
Niwa Doherty
[NOTE: In response to the recent tragic shootings in Connecticut, parents have been asking how to talk with their children. Hiromi's article after the tsunami is so excellent that I'm reprinting it here.]
As
a native of Japan, and having family members and many friends in the midst of
the devastation, I continue to struggle to find strength to overcome my own
fear and sadness.
Yet,
a question came to me--how do I talk to my 4-year-old about this? This awoke me.
I felt called to stand up and do something, anything if I can, to protect my
own child and to help fellow parents as we work together to protect our
children from further harm. How can we support our children while we adults are
struggling?
Now
I have re-written my findings in English and would like to share them with you.
Although many of my points are for those directly affected, you may still find
them applicable. I thank Ms. Andrea Gambardella of Green Meadow Waldorf School
for giving me a jump start with her thoughtful input and support.
1. Turn off the TV
While
it is obvious to adults that the TV is replaying the same footage over and over
again, these repeated inflow of graphic images and shocking news make young
children think that these scary events are still ongoing. Additionally, they do
not have a sense of distance, so even reports from a far away country have a
strong impact. They may well think what they see on TV is happening right in
their own neighborhood.
2. Make them feel safe
Children
express their anxiety in various ways. They can become dependent and clingy, afraid
to go to bed or bathroom alone, or behave aggressively. Some children may experience
physical pains such as a headache and stomachache. Those who have long ago
graduated from diapers may have accidents. Give them hugs and physical
closeness.
Spend
time together reading or taking a walk.
Give
them assurance by telling them we love them and we will continue to take care
of them.
3. Be open and receptive to how
a child reacts/expresses himself
Let
them know that their feelings, thoughts, questions, reactions, however they may
communicate (or not communicate), are all valid and we accept them as they are.
Invite their expressions with open and receptive attitude, so they can speak to
you about anything, when they choose to. Some children prefer not to talk at
all--let them be silent. Young children live in the moment and have dream-like
minds, which means they may not accumulate or linger on specific emotions or
memories, as adults do. Children may find ways to express and soothe themselves
by drawing or playing out their experiences. I will come back to this point
later.
4. The best time to talk is
when a child asks questions
Many
of us remember the events of 9-11 clearly. I know I will not forget about the
3-11 earthquake. We will all have particular events in our lifetimes that will
have great significance. At such moments, we are given a possibility to
transcend our old selves. It will not be an easy talk. But you know your child
the best, her temperament, thoughts and possible reactions. With that deep
knowing, you can address her with sincerity and love.
5. Avoid scientific explanation
or frightening graphic images, give simple narrative
Children
know intuitively when we are not truthful. Ignoring and understating the fact, or
telling a lie (however well meaning it is) will make them more fearful. Give
them simple explanations in words they can understand. Children are born
resilient, adaptable and cheerful. Trust their strength, and with your striving
to do your best, your child will be able to get the message. Do not leave this
task to the TV or anyone else, for if we do this, the parent-child relationship
will not be the same. This will be one of the very important moments for you
and your child.
6. End with hopeful,
encouraging facts and words
I
quote from Mr. Rogers,
"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news,
my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find
people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I
remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are
still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world." 1
We
may not always give them a happy ending, but we can end our story with focus on
hope and recovery rather than fear and sadness.
1 http://www.fci.org/new-site/par-tragi...
7. If asked, repeat the same
story as many times as necessary
Children
like repetition. When it is difficult to understand or believe what has been
told, they may ask you the same question over and over again. Repeat the same
story as many times as they ask you. They feel secure by your consistency and
can then process the information at their own pace.
8. Regain rhythm and routines
of everyday life
Not
just do children like to feel the comfort of the repetition of stories, but
children like repetition, and in fact, they thrive on it. Even as adults we
will feel anxious when we are out of our routines and we may have physical
ailments as a result. As early and as much as possible, bring back the rhythm
and routine as before.
If
nothing else, we can at least say "good morning" or say grace before and after
meals.
If
your life has been changed drastically and it is difficult to bring back the
familiar, start a new tradition, something that is small and easy to do. Exercise
with children in the morning, say a blessing before meals, or simply pray. If
you repeat it every day in the same manner, it will increase the sense of
rhythm which will become a security blanket for children. It will be our
guiding light, as we sail in the sea of uncertainty.
9. Give children time and space
to play
Children's
work is play. Under extremely difficult situations, it may be difficult to even
think of the cheer and fun of play. As described before, children may process
and digest their experiences and emotions through drawing or playing out in
"let's pretend" scenarios.
Even
temporarily, if children can be immersed in play--by moving their bodies and letting
their inner feelings out, it will greatly help them in their healing processes.
Let them be children, as much as you can. Give them time and space. Show them
the games you used to play with only a stone. Give them pencil and paper that
they may use as they wish.
10. Children imitate adults. Be
a role model
Children
imitate adults. They are keen observers and do exactly the same. They take in not
only our actions, but our conversations with other adults, and our innermost
state of being -- how we feel and what we believe--everything! I am not
suggesting that we become someone else. We cannot make ourselves up or stand
taller than we actually are.
Children
see us struggle and stand up again, while keeping our spirits high and fighting
our fear and hardships. We do make mistakes and fall back sometimes, but it is
our striving, despite it all, that children find strength and courage to
imitate.
Please
refer to the inspiring article at the link below, written by Susan Weber,
Director of Sophia's Hearth Family Center, Keene, NH, a master teacher and my
mentor, with whom I am fortunate to have studied: http://noharajp.net/openforum/article/32
11. Be active and do something
meaningful (pray, donate, help with chores)
If
ready and willing, involve children in meaningful activities, they like to help
and be part of the bigger world.
12. Give them stories that talk
about courage and overcoming sadness and hardship
I
started looking for such stories and would like to create a list and/or
compilation. Meantime, I was also advised that while the content of a story
remains important, it is how we tell them the story, which is more significant.
Create a peaceful environment, take a deep breath, so that you can calmly
connect with the spirit of the story. Then both you and the children may
receive wisdom, comfort and healing from the story. May we trust our instinct
as parents and act courageously. May children smile and laugh again very soon.
Hiromi Niwa Doherty
Bibliography
American
Psychiatric Association Website,http://www.healthyminds.org/More-Info...
NYU
Child Study Center Website, http://www.aboutourkids.org/articles/...
Mr.
Rogers' Website, http://www.fci.org/new-site/par-tragi...
Private
conversations with Ms. Andrea Gambardella, kindergarten teacher, Green Meadow
Waldorf School, NY, USA
