The Orangutan Experiment

Both of my kids are sick today.  My daughter has a temperature of 101.6, and my son has a temperature of 102.7.  Not good!  After giving them some Motrin and Matzo Ball soup, they regained a little of their sense of humor.

"Mama, what's wrong with me?" my son asked.

"Bubba, you have a virus," I replied.

"Can you take me to the doctor so I can get rid of it?"

"There's no cure for viruses.  You just have to wait for your body to fight it."

He didn't like that answer.  "I'm going to be a scientist when I grow up, and I'm going to find a cure!"

"That's good," I said.  "I hope you succeed."

"Mama, which monkey is closest to a human?"

I wondered where this conversation was going.  "I believe orangutans are genetically closest to humans."  (I think I remember reading this fact somewhere, so if you want to confirm or correct this, please feel free.)

"I'm going to gather a bunch of orangutans and conduct some experiments on them.  First, I'll inject them with a virus.  Then I'll get every possible chemical there is, and inject it into them.  Something has to work!"

My daughter, the animal lover, objected.  "Bubba, that's cruelty to animals!  You can't do that.  Mom, don't let him do that!"

Okay.  So here's the plan.  We're going to round up all the orangutans and get them on a spaceship.  Then we're going to send them off to the Planet of the Apes, where they can live out their lives, free of my son's mad scientist experiments.  Does anybody want to help?