The 2012 Year End Review

As 2012 draws to a close, I’m forced to confront a few of the things I did right this year, as well as a few of the things I did wrong. In order to get my ducks in a row for 2013, I present the 2012 Year End Review.

I got fired. I consider this a plus as I was angling for it for awhile. Sometimes, it takes an epic fail to put you on the right path. My epic fail came in the form of getting booted from a high paying insurance job. There was a time in my life where I thought this would be catastrophic. I pictured myself living under an underpass, giving out nickel hand jobs. Turns out, I was epically wrong. Something I thought was only a dream turned out to be a lot easier to attain than I thought. I’m gonna give a little credit to myself, because I am just that good. Lesson learned: Fuck the 9 to 5. If you know you’re really good at something, then just do it. Don’t wait for someone to give you the green light. Also, by knowing you’re really good at something, you need to be able to back that up. Don’t say, “I’m quitting my day job to be a writer because EL James did it, and I’m just as good as her.” Me, on my drunkest day, with a massive brain injury, and deprived of oxygen for 7 hours, is as good as EL James. That’s not an appropriate litmus test.

I started publishing the things I wrote. Believe it or not, my blog originally started out as a diary. I didn’t publish anything I wrote because I was afraid of the backlash. Then, one day, I realized that you only get 100 or so years on the planet. Who wants to live those years being scared of what some anonymous internet idiots think? To my surprise, I gained a pretty huge outpouring of support. I wasn’t writing about anything important. I wasn’t trying to change the world. I was just pointing out what stupid fucks other people could be. Turns out a lot of other people agreed. For every twenty likes I get, I average one piece of hate mail. Ironically, the hate mail I dreaded so much before makes me laugh my ass of now.  The majority of it is from internet trolls who lose interest as soon as they realize I’m not posting their bullshit. Occasionally, one of my haters becomes a fan when I smack his ass down with some logic. Yeah, I’m just that good. Also I realized this; I am approximately 4000 times smarter than any idiot who tries to send me hate mail. I’m not afraid anymore. Bring it. In fact, I’m holding an internet contest. If you can send me a piece of hate mail that actually makes me cry, you win a full color image of me flipping you off. Warning: I may choose to respond. Trust me, I get vicious. Really, really vicious.

I tried bangs. Horrible choice. They emphasized my incredibly masculine jaw. It was a 2012 epic mistake. I looked like Jay Leno with a bowl cut.

I stopped reading horoscopes. Did you ever realize that every single one tells you that you’re going to meet the love of your life or find your dream job? Apparently, horoscopes can’t predict layoffs or venereal disease, otherwise they’d say “Gemini: Today you should update your resume and avoid that guy with the cold sore.” I believe that the future can be predicted based on the events of the past. I do not believe that the future can be predicted based on the opinions of an optimistic failed English major from the University of Phoenix.

I got MRSA. Actually, I considered this one a plus. Between working 18 hours a day and raising a kid, that week in the hospital was a nice break. I have been actively licking sidewalks in the hopes of getting it again ever since.

I decided what I want to do with my life. This one is big, because I’ve been floundering for years. Everyone talks about life goals like people should just automatically know what they want. Well, I didn’t. It took a few years. But I know now. My goal? Nothing major. The number 1 spot in the New York Times bestseller list. I find that by writing something down for an audience, I feel required to accomplish it… just so I don’t have to admit I was wrong. I’m that kind of person. That’s why I keep a book countdown in my side bar to keep me on track. So mark my words; eventually, Essa Alroc will be the author of a New York Times bestselling book…even if its ghostwriting Snooki’s parenting book.

I realized that life is short. According to the Aztecs, the end of the world is just around the corner. People are murdered in senseless acts of violence every single day. So why the hell is everyone worried about their credit score? They should be worried about living every second like it’s the last one, rather than worrying about an arbitrary number that some bureaucratic idiot stamps on a piece of paper. Live. Do things wrong. Be a little bit brave.

Don’t get bangs.

Based on the results of 2012, I’m doing well. So, as for 2013; I will publish 3 more books, even if no one reads them. I will avoid that guy with the cold sore. I will not set foot in a cubicle. I will continue to live life by my terms and I will be fearless in everything I do. I won’t flinch away from hate mail. I won’t adjust my posts to be PC. I will make it on to that damn best sellers list and…

As god as my witness, I will never get bangs again.