Just what the HELL is going on with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?!

As an adult who grew up in the 80s, I regularly have the joy of reintroduction to a barely remembered treat from my childhood that turns out to be full of darkness and horror. This year, that reintroduction was Rankin & Bass's stop motion animated masterpiece, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

I have a five year old son and seeing things anew through his eyes can be a real treasure. For instance, even after the Star Wars prequels stole my give-a-damn for that franchise, watching the original trilogy with him managed to make my grinchy heart grow at least one size larger. But in the case of Rudolph, imagining what it was his little eyes and ears saw and heard dug out a pit inside me. A pit filled with existential dread...and misfit toys.

If you haven't seen this monstrosity recently, my mother tells me it's on CBS tonight at 7pm. If you burst into inconsolable tears, don't blame me.

This thing is wall-to-wall horrors for the modern audience. Although, honestly, I'm beginning to wonder how it ever passed muster even back in the day. I don't have the time nor do I have the mental capacity to dissect this thing minute by minute. I plan to hit the high points and hope they suffice as explanation why this will not be seen in my house EVER AGAIN.

Rudolph's dad starts out super excited about having a baby boy, gets a little shaky on it when the nose starts glowing, and then outright sees Rudolph as a problem to solve once Santa pipes up.
For most of his life, Rudoph is not loved unconditionally by his father. Which sorta leads me, as a dad, to ask if he's loved at all.
This mistreatment continues when Rudolph's nose is revealed to the other young reindeer and everyone "laughs and calls him names." Nobody is punished or admonished for this, not even in a bid for pity.
The only reindeer who is nice to Rudolph is Clarice, a female yearling, and her dad forbids her to see him. There is no comeuppance. (Note: It could be argued that Rudolph's mom is also nice to him, but then again, she fails to protect him from his father's douche baggery.)
Santa apparently thinks the snow at the North Pole isn't the only thing that needs to be pure white. He consigns Rudolph to the reindeer purgatory of "not being on the sleigh team" and also banishes (perhaps via intermediaries, but still, he is the autocrat of the North Pole, isn't he?) broken or "misfit" toys to a concentration camp.
When Rudolph is welcomed back into the fold, it is not because everyone suddenly realizes they were douche canoes to him in the first place. It is explicitly because his "deformity" is now useful.
There is no shame felt by anyone who mistreated him.
There are no life lessons learned about how different doesn't mean bad.

It's like Rankin & Bass asked the question "Why make a show about bullying when we can make a show about state sanctioned bullying and why it might be kinda okay"? This thing isn't just a poorly made or stupidly juvenile piece of yuletide drivel, it is an actual Christmas Spirit Killer.

But then there's Hermie.

Hermie is a "misfit elf" who doesn't want to make toys. No, Hermie wants to be a dentist! Of course, because this is a film about the inherent horrors of deviating from a blessed, state-sanctioned norm, Hermie is ridiculed for his desire that all elves have healthy teeth and gums. And, because we need a couple of guys who can go on a road trip together and discover that their deformities aren't the only ones that will get you kicked out of Christmas Town by that fat fascist bastard Santa, Hermie runs into Rudolph when he's on the lam as well.

They go off on their own, have adventures, meet Yukon Cornelius, and run like hell from the Abominable Snow Monster. Through all this they forge a mighty and lasting friendship.

But here's where things get a little weird. It is abundantly clear to me (and to every other adult I mention this to, by the way), that Hermie is gay as a picnic basket and "dentistry" is a euphemism for homosexual sex.

Yes, really.

Just take a look at Hermie. All the other elves are uniform and, frankly, hideous little gnomes. But Hermie is absolutely fabulous! His face is cherubic, his hair perfectly coiffed, his voice has just a hint of a lilting lisp. Plus, and this is pretty key, his focus on dentists and becoming one borders on the pathological. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is that excited about teeth. Of course he demands -- while bursting into song, I might add -- "why must I be a misfit?"

Did I mention our nearly first brush with Santa was him singing a number where he declared himself the "King of Ding-a-ling"? My God, the hypocrisy of the North Pole.

"You don't mind my red nose?" Rudolph asks. "Not if you don't mind me being a dentist," Hermie responds. Later, Rudoph insists to Hermie, "Whatever a dentist is, I hope someday you're the greatest." See how caring Rudolph is? He even wants good things for Hermie's first boyfriend.

Honestly, just assuming that every naive mention of dentistry and dentists is actually referencing gay men almost salvages this thing enough to be watchable. But just to prove that no part of this monstrosity can be entirely uplifting and uncreepy, Rankin and Bass give us a scene between Hermie and the Abominable Snow Monster. The Bumble, as he's eventually called, is knocked out, whereupon Hermie perpetrates dentistry on him against his will.

When the Bumble wakes up from his roofie-induced brush with "dentistry," he is toothless and there is -- I shit you not -- blood splattered snow. As my friend Hill said during the Facebook conversation I accidentally started with my musings, "The yeti emerges completely toothless-- all gums. I could take the innuendo further, gentlemen, but I am not sure you want me to."

No, my friend, we do not.

The most amazing part of all this is that none of my observations involve much reaching. This is all pretty much text. Even the "dentistry" angle is so thinly veiled as to be a winking joke with the audience. This is not adult eyes focused on a beloved childhood masterpiece. This is calling an awful thing awful...and maybe also wanting to high five Hermie. (No that's not a euphemism. Pervs.)

So for the parents and grandparents out there who haven't seen this thing in decades and think it would be a nice night at home with the kids, think again! Look upon this image...and shudder.