The Nursery Harry

As I do every year,  I'm reading aloud Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.  And as I also do every year, I showed my class The Nursery Alice, Lewis Carroll's cringe-inducing attempt to adapt his story for "Children aged from Nought to Five."  After regaling them with a few choice bits I told them I'd take a stab at The Nursery Harry and so, with apologies to Ms. Rowling, here's the beginning:

ONCE upon a time, there was a little boy called Harry.  Would you like to hear his story?

Well, his...