Christmas Wish List of the Dirty Half a Dozen
Call it misfortune or privilege, but I am in the position of being the owner to six cats that often leave their daily musings around the house in the form of minutes from meetings, lists, diary entries and even graffiti on the walls. Just don’t ask me what they use to write such slogans as “Vivian le Revolushoon” and “Razz Woz Ear” on our walls.
[image error]
Some of the evidence strewn around the house is well hidden but this morning I came downstairs to find an envelope addressed affectionately to me. It read: “Beard Face: Read this before you do anything else, you pathetic excuse of a human being.” Naturally, I was quite touched by this gift from the cats. The words they used actually brought a tear to my eye. They had never said anything so sweet to me before.
Inside the envelope were six Christmas lists. Some had been written with pens (Kain, Razz and Frodo), one in ketchup which was supposed to be blood but the smell gave it away (Charlie) and the other two lists were in crayons (Buggles and Bilbo). I will spare you the multitude of drawings Buggles included in his list but here are the cats’ must-have items for Christmas 2012.
Please note “Beard Face” is how the cats regard me and “Frizzy Hair” is how the cats regard my wife, Donna.
Kain
[image error]
1) A signed copy of The Complete Works of Shakespeare.
2) A private dinner with Socrates, Plato and Aristotle. They can have whatever they like so long as they go for fish and chips. I’m not being awkward, it’s just we’ll be eating in a fish and chip restaurant so the menu is pretty limited.
3) I want you to write a new book entitled The Truth About Man vs Cat. The truth is that every story you tell is a complete lie. Work on that book for an early release in 2013 or I’ll tell everyone a few home truths about you.
Razz
[image error]
1) I want to relaunch Man vs Food as Cat vs Food with me being a more charismatic replacement for Adam Richman. I’m even willing to use a pseudonym. Nothing too similar. How about Alan Rickman?
2) I’d like you to pay for some vet surgery. I just don’t think my face is malevolent enough to frighten you anymore, Beard Face. You’re starting to let your guard down, you arrogant fool.
3) Beard Face, on Christmas Day could you stand by the cat tree at exactly 3.00 p.m. when the Queen’s Speech is on. You mustn’t move a muscle. The reason? I want to smack you round the face. Merry Christmas.
Buggles
[image error]
1) All the Twilight books and movies. I know I asked for these last year but you keep burning them, putting out the flames and then burning them again just to make sure the evil has passed. Is it really necessary to shout, “The power of Christ compels you,” while waving holy water around?
2) Could I have a paint set? I want to paint images on the walls of the butterflies, fairies and faces of Laurel & Hardy that are in my head.
3) Could I have a year-long subscription to a florist? I want to send flowers to some of my heroes and heroines – a bouquet of roses to all the sparkly vampires out there, just thorns to the infamous Mr Grey and carnations for Buzz Lightyear. He is like so amazing!
Charlie
[image error]
1) A bazooka that can fire empty tins of cat food and a destroyer with tuna depth charges.
2) A world map with every military base clearly denoted by a symbol of a castle with a flag of a shrieking dog. Civilian spots should be highlighted with an image of my face. I don’t want to hurt civilians, you see. I just want them to acknowledge that I’m never wrong about anything.
3) If you could revive the likes of Alexander the Great, Hannibal, Genghis Khan, Tamerlane, Napoleon and Darth Vader that would be cool. I think they could learn a lot from me.
Bilbo
[image error]
1) A life-size effigy of Frizzy Hair so I can cuddle it whenever she isn’t around.
2) Beard Face, I’d like you to be permanently hunched over so I can sit on your back and be carried around like one of those famous rulers from history – Julius Cheshire, Ram That Sees or King Harry VIII and his Six Beehives.
3) Scrap the second one, Beard face. Just leave because Frizzy Hair doesn’t need you, she only needs us.
Frodo
[image error]
1) Tickets for Broadway and the West End. I don’t mean to see a show. I mean I want tickets to hand out to other people to see ME in a show.
2) Could you arrange a starring role for me in some production? How about Cats? I can sing Memory really well. Failing that I do a very good rendition of Hound Dog.
3) How about a karaoke set? I have graced you with my beautiful voice for so long I think it’s only fair that I continue to do so with all your favourite songs.
About Man vs Cat (2012)
[image error]
History has known many famous cats – Garfield, Mr Bigglesworth, Simon’s Cat, the Aristocats, the Cheshire cat and the Keyboard Cat on YouTube.
In recent years these feline things have replaced man’s best friend as the most popular pet in the U.S. while the Ancient Egyptians once worshipped them as gods. This was a mistake and I’m here to tell you why.
Man vs Cat is the story of one man, one woman and the six cats that changed their lives forever. To the woman they brought love and affection, to the man they brought sleepless nights, fear, paranoia and even ruined his jigsaw. Need I say more?
Amazon USAmazon USKoboSmashwordsGoodreads
Rest of the All Pets Want for Christmas Hop – 8 Dec
Giveaway
Christmas Wish List of the Dirty Half a Dozen | Thank you for reading Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dave
