Holly and Jolly
Christmas is my favorite time of year, but recently each year it seems harder to get into the mood. My favorite memories of this time involve ice skating, parties, hanging out with friends you hadn’t seen for a long time, sledding, and hiking through the frozen woods for that perfect tree.
But lately this time of year just seems like more work. Since this is the first week of December, I thought I’d do something different for you. I want to make you laugh. There are far too many reasons to cry, but Christmas is about celebrating!
I truly hope these jokes make you burst out in laughter as we head into the Christmas season. Enjoy!
***
It was just a few days before Christmas. Two men who were next-door neighbors decided to go sailing while their wives went Christmas shopping. While the men were out in their sailboat, a storm arose. The sea became very angry and the men had great difficulty keeping the boat under control. As they maneuvered their way toward land, they hit a sandbar and the boat grounded. Both men jumped overboard and began to push and shove with all their strength, trying to get the boat into deeper water. With his feet almost knee-deep in mud, and the waves bouncing him against the side of the boat, and his hair blowing wildly in the wind, one of the men said with a knowing grin, “It sure beats Christmas shopping, doesn’t it?”
***
There was an art contest held in a local school one Christmas season a few years ago in East Texas. One of the prize winners was a picture drawn by a nine year old boy showing three men, offering gifts to the baby Jesus in his manger. What made the picture unique is how the three gift presenters arrived – there was fire truck on the side of the picture. The principle asked the boy about his decision to draw the truck and the boy, in his heavy East-Texas accent, was quick to reply: “Well, the Bible says the wise men came from a-far.”
***
What does Santa call reindeer that don’t work?
Dinner.
***
It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one. In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
‘No, madam, ‘he replied, ‘they’re all dead.’
***
On Christmas Eve, Nathan thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day. Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be. Unable to decide, Nathan entered Dillard’s and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, ‘How about some perfume?’ She showed him a bottle costing $150.00
‘Too expensive,’ muttered Nathan.
The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for $75.00.
‘Oh dear,’ Nathan groused, ‘still far too much.’
Growing rather annoyed at Nathan’s meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny $30.00 bottle and offered it to him. Nathan became really agitated, ‘What I mean’, he whined, ‘is I’d like to see something really cheap.’
So the sales girl handed him a mirror.
***
I am a bus driver for high school kids. The kids gave me cards and presents last year. Now I’m thinking, “Man, I must be a good driver and the kids even like me.”
I opened the cards when I got home. On the inside of one card it said: “Thanks for not killing us yet. We really appreciate it.”
***
Ways to Confuse Santa Claus
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he’s in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
***
Christmas Gifts for Men
Buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17, and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
If you are really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I’m told men do not stink – they are earthy.
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” No one knows why.
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores.) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. (“From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder.
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.
***
As George had a habit of giving his wife strange Christmas gifts, she was not surprised when he came one night carrying a tiny, branchless tree. Attached to a lone limb was a shotgun shell.
“All right, George,” said his wife, truly stumped this time. “What is it?”
“Why, honey.” George smiled, “it’s a cartridge in a bare tree.”
***
It was the Sunday after Christmas at St Peter and Saint Paul’s Church in Borden, Kent, England. Father John was looking at the nativity scene prior to packing away the figures when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the scene.
Immediately, Father John turned towards the vicarage in order to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Harry with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Father John walked up to Harry and said, ‘Well, Harry, where did you get the little infant?’
Harry replied honestly, ‘I took him from the church, Father John.’
‘And why did you take him?’
Harry said, ‘Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.’
***
Let me end with a question. What’s the best holiday tip? Give me your best answer, but this is a joke too, so don’t get all mushy on me…
