There Is No Reason For You To Get That Upset

First of all, calm down. All right, sweetie? Breathe.

There is no need to scream like that. Remember, when you were little, and I told you to use your inside voice? Breathe. In. Out. Like that.

I guess you were down in the basement, am I right? I could tell from all the echoes. You must have been really scared. I heard you all the way from upstairs.

I am so sorry. I did not mean to startle you like that. I was planning on having your father help me bring all that stuff into the dining room next weekend. I guess it makes more of an impression downstairs, in the dark. I wasn’t trying to scare you, really.

If you give me a second, I can explain. It’s just a little art project.

Yes. I made that. And don’t look at me that way. The whole thing is going to be adorable, once it’s finished. You know how the K-Mart on 206 closed? I went over there a couple of times. I got a lot of stuff–crayons and construction paper, for when there are grandkids visiting. Not that I’m putting any pressure on you, sweetie, or anything, but they were 80% off and we’ll get some use out of them one day. I just remember how you loved doing crafts when you were little. That’s probably why I was thinking along those lines.

Anyway, there was this nice man who was carting away all of these mannequins. He was going to throw them in the landfill, can you believe that? I brought them home with me and I was putting them in the basement. And then I came across that box with all your old Halloween costumes in them.

Right. That’s the project. I took all your old Halloween costumes and dressed the mannequins up in them. Kind of like, I don’t know, a tribute to your wonder years. I mean, you’re in college and all, and your father is out on the golf course all day, so I decided to do a little art project, that’s all.

If you want to go down there again, we can turn on all the lights and maybe you can get a better look at it.

All right, all right. Calm down. Give yourself a minute.

I spent a lot of time working on this project. It’s the details that really made it fun for me. Like how the mannequin from when you were sixteen and wore that Wonder Woman costume has its hand on the shoulder of the mannequin from when you were eight and wore that other Wonder Woman costume. I even went back and looked at the pictures and got the same shade of polish for the mannequin hands, because I wanted it to look as close as possible to the real you.

The problem, of course, is that the mannequins aren’t all perfect representations. I had to really pad that Raggedy Ann costume, because you were kind of chubby when you were six. That one was tough, too, because I had to paint the mannequin’s face to get the red dots you had on your cheek. And did you notice that the one of you as Princess Leia the slave girl is pushing the stroller with the one of you as an Ewok from when you were one?

Of course I saved all your Halloween costumes. What kind of mother doesn’t do that? They were all so adorable. Even when you were a witch all that time after those Harry Potter books came out, you were still an adorable witch. I even found a little cauldron that all the mannequin witches can stand around. I was thinking we could put some cider in there, for the parents of the trick-or-treaters.

I just can’t believe you were startled that badly by it. It’s not meant to be scary at all. It just shows how much you’ve grown since you were little.

The nurse costume? From last year? No, that’s not a replica. That’s the one you wore. I got it from Andrew. He said one of his fraternity brothers got hold of it. That must have been some Halloween party you were at! It was a good thing I had that one really slender mannequin, because that was a very tight costume, for you, anyway.

So, as I was saying, Andrew found it. Since you stopped returning his phone calls, he sent me a message on Facebook and asked if you wanted it back, and I told him to go ahead and put it in the mail. He’s a very nice boy, that Andrew.

Sweetie, if you keep screaming at me like that, you are going to give me a migraine headache. For God’s sake, it’s just an art project. Calm down already.