Parenting, The Advanced Course
We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.
― Ana�s Nin
The holidays are a perfect for running smack into dysfunction. There was a fascinating interview yesterday on the TODAY SHOW (http://today.msnbc.msn.com Today's Moms, "The Toughest Part of Parenting: When They Grow Up,") with developmental psychologist Susan Engle. She veered into a personal discussion of the struggle and patience required in her own life observing her adult son struggle with significant life decisions in which she yearned to intervene, as one most certainly would in the face of risk parenting a younger child, but which to her surprise her son forbade her to do anything but listen. What seemed evident from her commentary is that parenting remains a prime directive our entire lives as parents but differing skills become beneficial to both parent and adult child as we mature.
For most parents, the words of Mark Danielewski ring true, "Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of 'not knowing.'" As Susan Engle confided in her television interview, even if we could rush in and solve our adult children's dilemmas in life, we would be wrong to do so: self-discovery is one of the chief benefits of the rocky challenges of adulthood. An admission and acceptance of "not knowing" - whether you or your child fall intellectually on the side of knowing everything or nothing at all - becomes one bridge to supporting adult children through difficulty without falling into the trap of "directiveness."
But is the aging parent only allowed to sit on the sidelines, reeling from the punches, both emotional and economic, of children making less than stellar progress toward maturity or responsibility? For years there has been an established practice in family therapy which asserts that the path to smoothing over difficulties with adult children is through the practice of unilateral, unconditional acceptance and tolerance. Welcome, in other words to the Doormat Years. As a parent myself, I would challenge this as anything but a practice of self-effacement on the part of parents that enables self-centered thinking in the adult children in question.
All dynamic and meaningful relationships are to a degree conditional. "Supportive listening" should not equal disowning one's personal rights and liberties. Adult children are old enough to make their own decisions, yet this form of conventional therapy tells us the success of our long-term relationship depends on our ability to stomach the results. This is particularly downer advice for older remarriages and blended family dynamics. Not permitted to object to your own adult child's behavior? It is fairly certain then your point of view is not welcome regarding your spouse's.
An interesting book by Dr. Ruth Nemzoff, an expert on parenting adult children and family dynamics, and research scholar at Brandeis University, titled "Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships With Your Adult Children," focuses on constructive interaction. Let's not talk doormat, let's talk. Her research advises making the most of the relatively healthy years in the lengthening time span between empty-nest parents and adult children. Boundaries, flexibility, patience, the pleasures of independence. Relationship is only as valuable as the mutual give and take and respect present between parent and adult child.
It may not be that our children, as Susan Engle's son did, outright ask us to abide outcomes and not intervene, but I believe that in time, a little roughened at the edges by life, the kids we gave our very best to will one day knock on our doors for honest insight and advice. In the meantime, we can think about all the things we'd like to say, and spend our free time on the sidelines living lives put on hold to parent. Everyone has a little growing up to do.
― Ana�s Nin
The holidays are a perfect for running smack into dysfunction. There was a fascinating interview yesterday on the TODAY SHOW (http://today.msnbc.msn.com Today's Moms, "The Toughest Part of Parenting: When They Grow Up,") with developmental psychologist Susan Engle. She veered into a personal discussion of the struggle and patience required in her own life observing her adult son struggle with significant life decisions in which she yearned to intervene, as one most certainly would in the face of risk parenting a younger child, but which to her surprise her son forbade her to do anything but listen. What seemed evident from her commentary is that parenting remains a prime directive our entire lives as parents but differing skills become beneficial to both parent and adult child as we mature.
For most parents, the words of Mark Danielewski ring true, "Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of 'not knowing.'" As Susan Engle confided in her television interview, even if we could rush in and solve our adult children's dilemmas in life, we would be wrong to do so: self-discovery is one of the chief benefits of the rocky challenges of adulthood. An admission and acceptance of "not knowing" - whether you or your child fall intellectually on the side of knowing everything or nothing at all - becomes one bridge to supporting adult children through difficulty without falling into the trap of "directiveness."
But is the aging parent only allowed to sit on the sidelines, reeling from the punches, both emotional and economic, of children making less than stellar progress toward maturity or responsibility? For years there has been an established practice in family therapy which asserts that the path to smoothing over difficulties with adult children is through the practice of unilateral, unconditional acceptance and tolerance. Welcome, in other words to the Doormat Years. As a parent myself, I would challenge this as anything but a practice of self-effacement on the part of parents that enables self-centered thinking in the adult children in question.
All dynamic and meaningful relationships are to a degree conditional. "Supportive listening" should not equal disowning one's personal rights and liberties. Adult children are old enough to make their own decisions, yet this form of conventional therapy tells us the success of our long-term relationship depends on our ability to stomach the results. This is particularly downer advice for older remarriages and blended family dynamics. Not permitted to object to your own adult child's behavior? It is fairly certain then your point of view is not welcome regarding your spouse's.
An interesting book by Dr. Ruth Nemzoff, an expert on parenting adult children and family dynamics, and research scholar at Brandeis University, titled "Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships With Your Adult Children," focuses on constructive interaction. Let's not talk doormat, let's talk. Her research advises making the most of the relatively healthy years in the lengthening time span between empty-nest parents and adult children. Boundaries, flexibility, patience, the pleasures of independence. Relationship is only as valuable as the mutual give and take and respect present between parent and adult child.
It may not be that our children, as Susan Engle's son did, outright ask us to abide outcomes and not intervene, but I believe that in time, a little roughened at the edges by life, the kids we gave our very best to will one day knock on our doors for honest insight and advice. In the meantime, we can think about all the things we'd like to say, and spend our free time on the sidelines living lives put on hold to parent. Everyone has a little growing up to do.
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