The Tunnel

Here is another Blog Freebie.  It was written awhile ago.  It was inspired by an idea I had a long time ago about the nature of life and death.  In my mind, I had thought that both were nothing but one big circle.  When death begins, life just sort of reboots.  Or restarts.  You just begin again but this time things can be done differently.  Maybe you don't make the same mistakes you did before or make worse ones.  Things of that nature.  I thought it was a really good explanation for deja vu.  My story kind of reflects that idea.

Here is The Tunnel:

I found myselftrapped.  The last thing I rememberbefore I found myself here was a car wreck. I know it was my fault, but I had been so tired.  Work was so tiring.  I couldn’t help it when I started to getdrowsy.  I couldn’t help it when I raninto that SUV. 

      I must be dead then.  That was the only explanation.

      I looked around and was terrified.  It was so dark and I couldn’t really seeanything.  The only light I found was atthe far end.  It seemed to be pure white.  All those old tales about lights at the endof the tunnel had seemed ridiculous when I had still been alive.  On in impulse I turned around.  There was nothing but darkness backthere.  I started that way, even though Iknew I should’ve went forward, toward that light.  After a couple of steps, I ran into awall.  I wasn’t expecting it and my nosecaught most of the impact.  I would’veyelped in pain, but there didn’t seem to be any.  Only a sort of pressure.  Pain, I realized, was something that belongedto the living.  I was dead.

      I turned around, facing the light againand started forward.  I wish I could’veput my hair up because the tunnel was stifling hot, but my purse didn’t makethe transition into whatever world this was. Since I wasn’t naked, I figured I was probably still wearing mypantsuit.  I found that oddlycomforting.  Whatever was waiting for meat the end, I knew I didn’t want to face it wearing just my birthday suit.  That would’ve been slightly embarrassing.

      I started walking and with every step Itook, my fear grew with them.  I had noidea of what I was in store for.  I couldonly wish and hope it wasn’t something truly awful.  Images of fire and brimstone, and aterrifying creature bearing horns and a pitchfork invaded my mind.  I couldn’t shake them either.  I didn’t want to go there.  I didn’t want that fate.  I forced those horrible images out of my headand focused on taking one step at a time.

      I had a lot of time on my hands.  I thought about my entire life, fromchildhood to my death.  If there was ajudgment waiting for me, I wanted to be sure it wasn’t going to be too horriblean experience.  It didn’t take me long todrop that idea.  I hadn’t been an overlybad person in life, but I was far from pure. There were plenty of things that tweaked my conscience and plenty morethings that I felt embarrassed and ashamed of. 

      I kept walking.

      There was nothing else to do but presson.  The tunnel never seemed to draw to aclose and the light never seemed to get any closer.  I wasn’t tired or exhausted, it seemed thosewere things only living people felt also, but it was getting reallyannoying.  The trek just seemed solong. 

      After what seemed like a literal eternity,I found myself directly in front of that light. It was bright and after so much time spent in the gloomy darkness of thetunnel, it was very hard to look at.  Ihad to squint at it and put a hand up to shield my eyes. 

      I don’t know how long I stood there.

      After awhile, the light seemed to growimpatient.  It swirled and darkened, itscolor spinning sickeningly.  I could feela sense of urgency roil around the air. I can’t describe it any better than that.  I held my breath.  I know. Childish, right?  I couldn’t helpit.  I held onto that breath and steppedforward.  The light was warm, almosthot.  It seemed to envelope me completelyand I lost all sense of the world, such as it was, around me.  I didn’t know which way was up or down.  There wasn’t anything for it but to presson.  I told myself that a lot, as you cantell.  There was no sense of being in atunnel, at least there was that much. The problem, however, was that there was no sense of being anywhere.  I just walked and walked, and tried to findmy out of that light.

      It happened almost without warning.

      The end.

      One minute I was walking aimlessly, andthe next the light didn’t so much end as it changed.  It didn’t have the same color orintensity.  The light I had been walkingin had been pure almost.  This light hadthe institutional look and feel of fluorescents.  And there was noise.  Someone was crying.  I listened to those cries and realized twothings, they were a baby’s cries and they were coming from me.  Confused, I tried to look around, but my eyeswere not accustomed to that light and refused to work properly.

      I felt myself being lifted, up and awayand then brought over to lay on a table of some sort.

      “It’s a girl!”  I heard someone shout.  The voice was familiar to me.  It took me a second to realize that the voicebelonged to my father. 

      “What’s going on here?”  I tried to ask, but my voice wouldn’tcome.  Just more cries. 

      Hands, a bunch of them, rubbed towels overmy entire body.  I wailed some more.  It didn’t feel that great.  I know they were just trying to clean thegunk off me, but they weren’t exactly gentle about it.  After the towel off was over, I felt thenurses measuring me.  Then theystuck…well, I won’t tell you what they stuck where.  But let’s just say it was unexpected and notat all comfortable.

      Some time later, I found myself in mymother’s arms.  She was looking down atme with a tired smile. 

      “Hey there, sweetheart.”  She cooed. “Hey there, Hannah.”

      This was weird, was all I couldthink.  When you die, you startover.  You just start completelyover.  It must be like some kind ofendless loop.  You live, you die, youstart over.

 

I just got offwork and I was so tired.  It wasexhausting.  The long hours, the longdays and having to constantly cover my boss’s ass.  He really was incompetent, but at least Imade him look good.

      I was focusing on the road, on thatendless road in front of me and started to get drowsy.  I couldn’t help it.  I probably shouldn’t have been driving, but Ijust wanted to get home.  I wanted torelax on my couch and watch some of the shows I had recorded on my DVR.  It was only another ten minutes or so.  That was all.

      Another spell of drowsiness hit me andthis one was the worst of all.  I think Iactually fell asleep  for a second.  When I snapped back from it, an SUV wascharging right at me.  I had slipped intothe other lane.  My heart pounded insudden fear, and I screamed, jerking the wheel sharply to the right withoutthinking about it.  I swerved back intomy lane and heard a loud sound, metal screeching on metal, as the SUV brushedagainst my car.  I screamed again. 

      I got lucky.  I got so lucky.

      My heart was still pounding and there wasa sickening sensation in my stomach, but I was alive.  I was alive.