What to Get the Person Who Has Everything (Except Sense)

As some of you may be aware, last October I had the pleasure of attending GayRom Lit in Albuquerque, NM. I chose to fly out, and you lovers of airline travel know what that means!

Sky Mall Catalog.

Repository of the useful, ridiculous, and bizarre, the Sky Mall catalog has long fascinated me. Who actually buys these things?! (Answer: enough people they can afford to stick a catalog in every seat on every flight.) And since the major gift-giving holidays are coming up, I thought I’d bring you a selection of the “best” Sky Mall products.

Life-Sized “Bigfoot Garden Yeti” Statue

Just look at the expression of joy on her face! No wait, that’s horror and shame.

For a mere $2,250.00, you can have a “life-sized” statue of something that, from the description, is both a bigfoot and a yeti! That’s two monsters for the price of one! Think of how happy your home-owners association will be when you stick this baby in your front yard. Unless you live in Alaska, Hawaii, or Puerto Rico, because it doesn’t ship to your location. I know you’re just writhing in envy, aren’t you?

Skyrest Travel Pillow

Doesn’t he look comfy? Or at least like he’s faking it?

According to the ad copy, “This person is able to sleep comfortably in any Seat!” Ignoring the random capitalization, I’m pretty sure this guy is not comfortable, at least in any human understanding of the word. Actually, since it’s inflatable, I think it’s more likely he just passed out from the exertion of blowing it up.

Eve Decanter

Sexy.

I was disappointed to see that the online copy is far tamer than the ad in the physical catalog. The writer for the print version gets rather carried away, describing this wine decanter as “sensuous,” “serpentine,” “seductive,” and “curvaceous” at various times. I was starting to wonder if I was reading  a piece of erotic flash fiction. He also assures us that the sound of the wine pouring mimics the “gurgle of the King Cobra.” Because cobras gurgle, I guess?