Looking back while moving forward....Advent

It was just a month ago that she left us.....but my sense of time and space is greatly changed.  At times it seems like an eternity while in the next moment I am reliving her death as though it just happened.  We were two high hearts forever wanting to bring out the endurance runner in each other. Now I am a widower, single with twelve children, (five with spouses) 13 grandchildren with two more due in Spring and four special needs Boyz to see through the tumult ahead. There are times now, sailing over these dark waters that I understand how easy it is to slip into the Enemy's trap and go over the edge of the world...  Thanks to her, my family, the Church, your prayers, and our merciful Father I can assure you
that angels have ministered to me in my dreams and in my daylight hours
which have prevented me from going into those dark places....but I need to share some thoughts..

Barbara was faithful to all of you by being completely authentic. That can be messy and uncomfortable for some of us.  In order to be faithful to you and to her memory I believe she would share with you all that she would be going through if it were me who was gone. So,in my limited way I will do my best to chart with you the waters I am navigating.  Please forgive me if you don't feel I am tracking through this quickly enough.  Many folks have told me how happy they are for Barbara being promoted.....that she is in a better place, etc. which of course I agree with theologically and complete faith.....however it doesn't change the fact that she isn't here anymore....we shared everything and now she is not here. Knowing that Barbara is in Heaven does not change how I feel. I'm in process.... Scripture tells us to, "mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice." Perhaps through my sharing with you what I am going through, we will all have a better understanding of how to minister to each other.

I know my Father well enough that He often teaches me through suffering and the process of time.  Sometimes we think that we should show the world how together we are in handlng the death of a loved one and miss what God is teaching us through the process. He has allowed this in my life...in my children's, grand children's, treasured friend's, and your lives for a purpose. I don't want to miss what it is that He wants me to experience and learn.

Barbara gave me a pocket watch in 1987 which she had engraved from Ecclesiastes the words of Solomon...." For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under
heaven."  Sophia took it for her "something old" and had it sewn into her wedding dress this last May.  The rest of the wisdom reads...

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is
planted;
 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build
up;
 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
 a time to
throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from
embracing;
 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
 a time to
tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep
silence, and a time to speak;
 a time to love, and a time to
hate;
a time for war, and a time for
peace......

Our Father knows what we need when we don't know.  He wants us to grow up.  In my sorrow, breaking, and mourning I see in some small way again what our Father saw when we hung His Son on the cross. The first time I felt this was when Jonny almost died for the third time in his first year and I was holding him in my arms at the hospital while he was suffocating from pneumonia. I realized on a heartlevel, (different from head level) that our God feels emotion.  His heart was breaking while we were killing His Son....knowing full well that He would be raising Him for our sake.  

This time in my life for mourning as we begin Advent and the Birth of our Savior brings an unexpected realization.... Barbara's life was a seed...which fell to the ground and died.....and will in turn bear much fruit....

In His grip,

Papa Tripp