You Shouldn't Should on Yourself

How many of us lead our lives doing what we think we should do or what we think we have to do? During my childhood and young adulthood, I did whatever I thought I was supposed to do. I dreamed about finding a giant book of rules so I could be certain to live my life according to the shoulds and not make any mistakes! The external voices of my parents and teachers told me what I should do, such as:

You should go to bed now.

You should be nice all the time.

and what I should not do, like:

You should not show anger.

You should not be fat.

I internalized these voices, and soon my own inner voice was barking commands at me:

You should go to sleep.

You should smile more.

You should not eat those cookies.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

You should lose weight.

My inner world, the voices in my head, became a constant chatter of shoulds and should nots—about everything!

During my journey of recovery, I found authors and lecturers who helped me change my self-talk, with suggestions such as “You shouldn’t should on yourself.” The motivational author Louise Hay suggests we change our shoulds to coulds. When I catch myself saying I should, I quickly correct it to I could and am amazed at how quickly my disposition improves. Try it—you’ll see what I mean.

I could go to sleep.

I could smile more.

I could be nice all the time.

It really feels different.

This is also true for the words have to. I used to say to myself:

I have to make dinner.

I have to pick up the kids from school.

I have to exercise.

I have to go on a diet.

The part of me that is a rebel didn’t want to be told what I have to do—so sometimes I would simply not do it. Other times I would do it with the attitude of a victim—Oh, poor me, I have to pick up the kids from school. Try changing each have to to choose to. What a difference this makes—when we change the words, we change the energy:

I choose to make dinner.

I choose to pick up the kids from school.

I choose to exercise.

The word choose dissipates the poor-me voice and the feeling of being a victim and leads instead to feelings of self-empowerment.

Here’s an exercise for you to do.

Write down at least ten things you think you have to do or should do. Your list might look like this:

1. I have to clean the house.

2. I have to prepare meals.

3. I have to pay bills.

4. I should exercise.

5. I should call my parents.

6. I should take a walk.

Read it aloud. Then change each have to to choose to, each should to could:

Original List Revised List

I have to clean the house. I choose to clean the house.

I have to prepare meals. I choose to prepare meals.

I have to pay bills. I choose to pay bills.

I should exercise. I could exercise.

I should call my aunt. I could call my aunt.

I should take a walk. I could take a walk.

Read the revised list out loud. It carries a different energy than the first list and should (oops, did I use that word?!) feel very freeing.

Become more conscious of the words you use, so when you hear yourself say (perhaps in a whiny tone), “I have to make dinner,” you will catch yourself immediately and change it to “I choose to make dinner.” And in so doing, you will find yourself feeling far more content and empowered in your everyday life.

Excerpted from my book, STOP EATING YOUR HEART OUT: The 21-Day Program to Free Yourself from Emotional Eating, Chapter 3.

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