Swinging: The Nitty Gritty

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Swinging: The Nitty Gritty

Swinging: The Nitty Gritty
May Water

Polyamory- Living a lifestyle where it is possible to love more than one person at a time without deception. Poly couples make an agreement to have other partners while maintaining their commitment to their original partner. Emotional bonds are key to poly relationships.

Swinging- Engaging in sex with partners outside of a committed relationship. These connections are mainly used for recreation and exploration. Although emotional bonds can form, it is not the main intent.

A whole culture of people classifies themselves as polyamorous, or polys. Another culture classifies themselves as swingers. The two cultures often overlap. While I find both topics fascinating, for this piece I want to focus on swinging. The topic raises many questions for me: How do couples that swing keep their primary relationship intact? How do they address the issues of jealousy, insecurity, and sexual safety? Can swinging couples stay in a long term relationship? Or does their increased sexual interest make them overly vulnerable to being led astray?
In addition to doing gads of research on swinging, I decided to ask real swingers. People I know both married and single who do, or have participated in swinging. From all the research I did, the biggest causes of relationship deterioration are:

-One person forming an emotional bond with another that they choose to pursue.
-One person tires of the swinging lifestyle while the other wants to maintain it.
-One person breaks the rules set in place.

The biggest factors in maintaining strong relationships were:
-Constant open communication
-Biding by set rules.
-The ability to stop swinging if one person no longer wants to participate in the lifestyle.

Teresa: "I was always a really sexual person so I was happy when I met Eric. I finally met someone I could be myself with, especially bed. He was way kinkier than me and got me to try all sorts of stuff. Some things made me uncomfortable, but I just kept going with it. I figured that someday we'd try everything and he'd calm down. That didn't happen though. We were having sex with other couples within a year of getting married. After five years of marriage I realized he couldn't stop. I got tired of all the kink and other people. He started doing it without me which led to our divorce."

Matt: "I always had the ménage fantasy, two girls and me. When my wife suggested we invite her friend into our bedroom (a close friend of hers going through a divorce) I was like hell yeah. I won't lie. The sex was amazing. But then things got emotional. My wife wanted to be alone with her more, excluding me. It was a rough time for us. The only way to save our marriage was for her to break ties with her friend."

Lynn: "I've been married to Bruce for 16 years. We met when I was 18 and a virgin, he was 26 and not. We explored everything together, including swinging, mainly because I was really bi-curious back then. We did the ménage thing for about two years. Once we couple swapped but I really wasn't into guys other than him. It was a lot of fun, but also a lot of work. We both lost interest in it when we started to have kids. Every now and then I get the urge to be with a woman, but with kids around it’s too much of a hassle. I think for us it was what it was at the time, something to look back on."

Richard: "Frank and I have a solid relationship. We've been together for almost 10 years. Before I met him I was all over the place with group sex, meeting guys online, you name it. For a while I was with someone else who was heavy into the swinging scene. Some of the shit I did was super unsafe. Frank's not into that stuff. As soon as we got serious he told me to choose him or that lifestyle. I picked him and stability. Do I sometimes miss the old me? Not really. I was young and wild. I'm glad I did it back then."

Ken: "Abby and I have been swinging for over ten years. When I see her with another guy it makes me love her even more. We have rules and follow them. Two things she can’t do with a man are eating his cum or let him come inside. Not just for safety reasons but because those are too intimate for me. My best advice is to keep talking. If someone keeps hurt or jealous it festers."

Abby (Ken's wife): "Sex with another man while Ken watches is indescribable. I know I won't be doing it forever so I'm enjoying it while I’m still young. There's no chance I'd fall for someone else because I don't even go there. Not to be a bitch, but I try to talk with the guys as little as possible. It keeps it sexual. Two big rules I have for Ken is no kissing the women on the mouth and no hickeys. He gave a friend of mine a hickey once and I flipped out. That hurt."

So, you think you got in in you? Could you and your partner maintain a strong relationship while inviting other people into the bedroom? Could you stop swinging if your partner decided they couldn’t handle it? Can you honestly say that you wouldn’t or couldn’t fall for anyone else? Could you not only establish very specific and delicate rules, but also follow them? Even during the heat of a sexual frenzy? If so, then have at it. You are part of a small percentage of couples that can make the swinging lifestyle work. May you realize this and cherish this fact. May you explore well into your golden years.