The tale of the pig and the bun

The following is an example of my firm writing powers…

So there was this pig (not halal) who ate lobster (not kosher). Day after day he would eat lobster. He couldn’t get enough. He really, really liked lobster so, so much. This pig – lobster was his favourite!

‘Arr, he be loving the lobsters, he be,’ chuckled Farmer Bluebeard.

Look! Do you get the fricking point about the stinking lobsters yet?! I’m not talking about this again! I’ve wasted long enough on this already!

So… the pig (who loved eating lobsters), used to hang out with his friend Mr Belvedere (halal) on Friday nights to play cards, gorilla dice, and drink warm sangria (and eat lobsters too – the pig loved them.) One particular Friday, Mr Belvedere pulled back on his lobster’s back and cracked it backwards. Then he stretched across the table and whispered into his pig friend’s ear. ‘Pardon me, pig,’ he said, ‘but do you have any more tartare sauce?’

The pig squealed. ‘Of course I do! I eat so much of it, my blood is practically tartare!’

Then Mr Belvedere squealed. ‘Ooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme!’

So the pig (not kosher) passed his sauce past Mr Belvedere’s eyes and into his palm. His sticky, sweaty palm (not halal).

Mr B drank the sauce hard and fast like a real man should and then rolled the dice.

‘Hey, whatcha doin’ ya pig faced jerk?’ snorted the pig. ‘We haven’t started gorilla dice yet!’

‘Chill out, ya jerk faced pig,’ snorted Mr Belvedere, ‘I’m just practising! Keep your truffles on!’

The pig was so offended, he grabbed the bun that he was saving for dessert and took a bite as steam rose out of his gigantic nostrils.

Unfortunately, the bread product was laced with anthrax and the pig died. Mr Belvedere laughed and proceeded to win at gorilla dice.

The pig…



…And his pig faced killer.

And what, aspiring writers, do we learn from this?

It’s not about the ending, but the journey,
Pigs aren’t edible in many cultures,
The pig in the story ate like a pig, and this is what good writers do – they make parallels that make the reader go ‘oh, how clever was that, I wish I was David Harding who has a new book out on Monday that everyone better buy.’