NSFF

Not Safe for Fandom. Seriously, this is going to involve pornography and an awful lot of hetero-male sexuality, so please skip it if you don't believe raw internet-flesh belongs in the same universe as Monoids. I'm not even sure I believe that.

This is an undoctored (in every sense) photograph of my favourite... well, what is the word we should use? "Model" doesn't go far enough; "porn star", aside from being a phrase popularised in the '90s to lead young women into a world of pretend-glamour after only a single plying with cocaine, seems to go too far. So we'll stick with the coquettish "adult performer".

Some of you may also wonder why a sophisticated renaissance man like myself would be interested in looking at pahahahahah. Sorry, couldn't keep a straight face.

Her name is, for our purposes, Lexxxi Luxe. She currently has two Twitter accounts, one for herself, and one for her two unusually opinionated companions. Anyone who's "enjoyed" her "work" in recent years will be unsurprised by this level of self-awareness, because the third most noticeable thing about her is that apart from walking the line between sexuality and genetic slapstick, she... hmm. Let's put it like this. Men have been known to find themselves distracted by her personality. The words "charm" and "intelligence" have been used. This isn't a classical centrefold: this is the girl you fancied at college. You know. The one studying forensic psychology in that sweater.

Now, thanks to her Twitter stream, we can see the proof. Amongst the various self-portraits of herself in deviously-engineered coiture are pictures like...

"Lawful-Good Clerics cannot use bras above 38G."

This picture isn't as sexy as the first one, and nobody would suggest otherwise, apart from whatever c***s write The Big Bang Theory. However, it's no less remarkable in terms of either aesthetics (such colour co-ordination...!) or size (I played Dungeons and Dragons for the first time in 1979, when I was seven and the cover of the rulebook was in fucking black-and-white, but even I don't have a dice-pool like that).

I have in my time known many geek-or-gamer women who've been built like sexy Ogron Gods, or who've done things that walk the line between exciting and unsanitary, or both. (I don't know why I keep using the "walk the line" metaphor. If she were standing on a line, would she even be able to see it? We move on.) This, though, is the first time I've come across someone who's joint-unapologetic about (a) having a functional knowledge of trading-card games and (b) allowing footage of herself on the internet in which she's being ****ly *****ed by a **** ******* that ****s like the Bandril Ambassador.

O brave new world that has such people. True, she's already married. But that's never stood in the way of any woman becoming an eminent sex symbol. Surely, nothing on Earth or in any of 1d4 shadow-realms could prevent her taking her rightful place as the ideal (Fighting) Fantasy Figure.

Oh, wait! She's just uploaded a picture of herself in her new T-shirt.

Yeah, he gets on my tits as well.

What's almost sweet about this is the Twitter response it received from UK BBW Lover (a man walking a line of his own, I feel): "love the t-shirt. 4th & 10th doctor are my favourites though". That's clearly not me, so don't even bother joking.

A personal note, however. It's no great surprise that I'm single, and have been for quite a while, but there's something I've had to accept about this situation: although everyone expects to have more difficulty finding a partner as they get older, I've got... an additional issue. Let's be honest, you'd probably expect anyone with whom I'm in a relationship to have at least a basic knowledge of all ten proper Doctor Whos (not in a "setting tests" way, more in a "that's the sort of person I'm likely to meet anyway" way), and my past history bears this out. However...

...what happens when Doctor Who is specifically targeted at women in the most cynical way conceivable, like Twilight if Stephenie Meyer had been an emotionally-retarded predator rather than just a bit thick? It's a problem that can probably only be understood by the maniacally obsessive, yet imagine a similar situation without the sci-fi bollocks; imagine being a (male, largely heterosexual) musician in a world where only a minority of people are interested in music, and all the women among them like One Direction. Not accidentally, there are more fangirls in the world than ever before, all of them just throbbing with hormonal squee. And squee is poison to my kind. From c. 2008, the one type of woman I absolutely can't go anywhere near is a woman who likes Doctor Who. Or Star Wars, but that's another issue.

By now, I've come to terms with this. It's fairly clear that, for everyone's benefit, I should stay away from any single woman connected with fandom on any level whatsoever. Certainly in the real world.

But now they're in pornography too...?

Also, if you type "Lexxxi Luxe" into Google Images, this is the first picture you get. You sick, sick people.