Breaking Dawn Review by Leia Shaw

Like millions of American teenagers, I saw Breaking Dawn, the Twilight Saga, this weekend. Before I write my long-winded but hopefully somewhat entertaining review, here’s where I stand on the franchise. I liked the book series. Yes, I admit it. I also liked 50 Shades of Grey too so shake your head in disgust if you want, but I’m not gonna apologize for it. What I don’t like about the Twilight Saga (which makes me laugh so I’m going to call it that as often as possible) is the movie franchise.

For those of you who read my review of The Huntsman, you already know how I feel about Kristin Stewart’s acting ability. There are two roles she can play decently. Corpse and sullen teenager. But Bella isn’t a sullen teenager anymore and once the corpse had to walk and talk, we lost that dead-girl magic.

So KC ruined the whole Twilight Saga movie experience for me the very first time she stuttered and tried to go for adorably shy, but only managed to look like she was holding in a fart. I find nothing about her attractive or appealing as Bella or any other role and I have no idea how she keeps getting jobs. And if it isn’t clear enough, I can’t stand Kristin Stewart. I think she’s one of those rare people tragically born without a personality. I know it’s harsh and maybe a little mean but the bitch makes a shitload of money – she can hire people to stroke her ego.

So, yeah, not a fan of the movies. But for some reason, I continue to see each one in the theater shortly after it releases. My only guess about this confusing and contradictory behavior is that I started the series back before I knew it sucked, so I feel compelled to finish it.

Anyway, has anyone else noticed how each movie gets cheesier and cheesier? Special effects, acting, screenplay, all of it. It’s gradually getting stupider with each release. Thank god this is the last one or I’d worry whatever came next would resemble one of those B-rated predator hybrid movies on Sci-fy network – like Piranhaconda and Two-headed Shark. Does anyone else watch those? No? Only me? Alrighty then.

Now the special effects in Breaking Dawn, the Twilight Saga, weren’t cheap like the sci-fy shows, they were just creepy. The baby, Renessmee, was CGI and almost looked real. Almost. I said to my friend during the movie, “It’s a little creepy.” Her response was, “It’s a little Chucky!” And why did they CGI the child’s face when she was older too? I don’t get it. The actress is adorable. The CGI made her look like a Who from Whoo-ville, not a cute little girly vamp thingy.

Was Kristin Stewart a convincing mother, even as a corpse? I wouldn’t know since she barely talked to the girl. It wasn’t even her first thought when she woke up as a vampire. She hugged Edward then checked herself out in the mirror – yep, still scrawny and awkward. Then, finally, she remembered her baby.

Like in the book, Edward makes her hunt before she can see Rennessmmee. This had to have been the worst acting moment in the entire Twilight Saga series. The two are hanging out, Bella’s all like, yeah I’m a badass vampire and so strong I can crack your back with a little hug. And Edward’s all like, shit you’re strong, maybe this was a bad idea. Then he says, hey, you probably shouldn’t be near our half-human baby before you’ve downed a few pints of blood. Then Bella goes from content to SUDDENLY VERY THIRSTY! And you can tell this by the way she grabs her throat with a panicked look on her face. Seriously. It was like the director was coaching her from the sidelines: Look happy. Good, Kristin. Now look like you haven’t eaten anything in days.  Kristin: I haven’t.  Director: Jesus Christ. Somebody get this girl a cracker!

Then the hunt. Oh boy. *shakes head* I’ll just say the entire theater and I had a good laugh through the whole thing. It wasn’t supposed to be funny, but watching Kristin Stewart – who’s acting skills barely matched the little girl playing Rennesseemmee – growl like a predator and tackle a cougar was fucking hilarious.

And that was how I spent the first ¾’s of the movie. Laughing. And it wasn’t just me and my weird, inappropriate sense of humor. Everyone was laughing. But not because this was a comedy! Because it was that cheesy. Like the two vampires that come help the Cullens from the Amazon were literally swinging through the snowy pine trees to jungle music. Cliche much? And I thought vampires were supposed to be attractive! Most of them looked like Cupie dolls on steroids. Don’t even get me started on Dracula and his albino lover.

The one thing that made the movie worthwhile was the last thirty minutes. Have you heard about the big twist at the end? I’m not giving it away. No spoilers here. But let’s just say I have never gasped, screamed, cheered, almost cried, screamed, then gasped again in a single movie. I was so…just…shaken up emotionally by the end, I forgot how bad the rest of the movie was. I left the theater, smiling in a haze of…I don’t even know, and the first thing I wanted to do was tell everyone I knew to see the movie. So obviously the Breaking Dawn, Twilight Saga producers did something right.

Stand outs were Robert Pattinson, who was the best he’s ever been in the Twilight Saga – protective, fatherly, funny. And Bella’s dad of course, was flawless as always.

The Twilight Saga ended with a bang and a happy ending. It was memorable and probably the most fun I’ve had in the theater in a long time. So, I give the actual Breaking Dawn, Twilight Saga movie a thumbs down but the experience of watching it a thumbs up. Confusing? Yeah, don’t care. Anyway…

Who saw the movie and who wants to weigh-in? Leave your comments below and I’ll check in and respond.

Filed under: romance