Chapter 27: The Conflagration Within
Naganandi Adigal, whose eyes were as captivating as a snake’s, pointedly gazed at Sivakami who was staring at him with indescribable surprise. “Sivakami! Don’t you believe me? If only I could open my heart and show you… If only I could tear open this hard heart and showing you the fire raging within all day and night…” Speaking thus, the bikshu punched himself hard at his chest twice. Immediately he grabbed the small dagger fastened to his waist, removed the dagger from its sheath and was about to stab himself. Sivakami quickly held his hand and prevented him from doing so.
In the brief span of time during which Sivakami had held Naganandi’s hand, she underwent two amazing experiences. She realized that Naganandi’s hand and his entire body were trembling. Nine years ago Sivakami, who had the same feelings for the bikshu as she did for her father, happened to accidentally touch his hand a few times. Then she had thought, “His physique is taut like a diamond. His body is not made of mere flesh, blood, nerves and skin. It seems as though his entire body is made of bones. He must have undertaken extremely harsh penances to harden his body thus”. It surprised Sivakami that that very bikshu’s body has lost its rigidity and was supple.
Naganandi while continuing to hold the dagger was staring at Sivakami for some time. Then like someone who had regained his consciousness, he flung the dagger away. Immediately, Sivakami too let go of his hand. “Sivakami! I suddenly lost my mind and became mesmerized! Please remind me what I had told you a while ago and why I removed this dagger,” asked the bikshu. Sivakami responded, “Swami! Some time ago you said that you were giving up your monkhood and that you were going to ascend the throne and rule the kingdom” and then hesitated.
“Yes, Sivakami! What I said was the truth. I’m going to Ajantha for this very purpose. Thirty five years ago, I undertook the vows of a monk on the banks of the Ajantha River. I am going to renege on my vows at the banks of that very river and return. I am going to seek liberation from that very honourable Guru who had indoctrinated me as abikshu. Do you consent to this?” asked Naganandi Adigal. Sivakami, who was gripped by an incomprehensible fear, said, “Swami! What is this? Why do you have to renounce Buddhism – a faith you’ve practiced for all these years? As a consequence of your action, wouldn’t you develop worlidly attachments? The penances you have observed all these years will become futile. How do you stand to gain by your action?”
Even as she spoke, she instinctively knew that she was committing a blunder by asking these questions and that she had fallen into that bikshu’s trap. The bikshu asked her in turn, “Do you ask how I stand to gain?” and laughed out aloud. “Don’t you know? In that case, I will tell you. Heed me! It is for your sake I’m going to give up my penances as a monk, Sivakami! It is solely for you! As prescribed by the Ajantha tradition, I am going to seek the Guru’s consent to give up my vows to acquire worldly knowledge. But I have violated my vows several years ago itself. I flouted my vows that very day I saw you – a statue endowed with life, in your father Aayanar’s forest residence amidst the wonderful stone statues. But I don’t regret it. I am prepared to spend sixteen thousand years in hell in exchange for living with you for one day. I am ready to forego enlightenment in lieu of being the recipient of your affection for one moment…”
Sivakami trembled out of fear. The suspicion that was smouldering within her all these days turned out to be true. But why had the fake bikshu concealed his emotions for so long? Why had he spared her for so long and had not troubled her in any manner? She got the responses to these questions the very next instant.
“Sivakami! An opportunity arose nine years ago for me to redeem my soul and for you to safeguard your happiness. I would have probably upheld my vows had you accompanied Mamallan when he had come here to fetch you or had you given me an opportunity to unite the two of you. You too would have led a happy life thereafter. But you had unnecessarily suspected me, had aimed the poisoned dagger at my back without understanding my true intention and had injured me. The poisoned dagger did not kill me that day. But if that very poisoned dagger were wielded on me today, I will not live beyond half a nazhigai! Sivakami, when you had held my hand some time ago, a doubt arose in your mind. You were shocked that my hand, which was hard like iron and stone nine years ago, is now so soft. You are the reason for that change, Sivakami! I had hardened my body by observing harsh penances. By consuming venomous herbs for long, I had converted my blood into poison. Those days if a poisonous snake bit me, only the snake would die. No harm would befall me. When the odour of my sweat spread, all the poisonous snakes in the region would slither away quickly unable to bear the intensity of the odour. You yourself have observed this several times…” When Naganandi Adigal said this, both of them were reminded of the incidents that had occurred at Mandapapattu ten years ago on a full moon night.
“By consuming therapeutic herbs and undergoing treatment, I have transformed my previously steely body into a soft one. I have eradicated the poison that had mingled with my blood. It was in these efforts I was engaged in for the last nine years. This was the reason for my not meeting you for several days at a stretch. Sivakami! I am capable of leading a householder’s life like a thirty year old youth. After all this you cannot reject me. You will have to atone for the sin of causing me sorrow through your rejection for several hundred rebirths hereafter! Even then you will not be absolved of your sin!”
Sivakami felt that her head was about to explode. When the bikshu sat in front of her and spoke in this manner, she also wondered if it was a dream for a moment. The comfort and happiness the thought provided her disappeared the very next instant. No; this is not a dream but horrific incidents occurring in reality in her presence. It was a fact that the bikshu was staring at her with his blood-shot eyes.
As soon as Sivakami realized that danger was looming large, her mind attained clarity. There was only one way to escape from this lunatic. She had to buy some time from him by being humble and pleading with him. If God were kind to her, Mamallar would have freed her and taken her along with him before this frenzied bikshu returned from Ajantha Otherwise, she would have to employ an alternate tactic. So Sivakami opened her mouth to beg and plead with the bikshu.
The bikshu prevented her from doing so by saying, “No, Sivakami! You don’t have to tell me anything today. You don’t have to respond in haste. I initially thought of discussing these issues with you after returning from Ajantha. But by the time we stopped for the night at the state guest house on the outskirts of Vatapi, I decided that I ought to divulge my innermost feelings to you and that it is only fair that I give you enough time to think through everything and come to a decision. Neither am I going to force you nor pressurize you. I will never ever ask you to act in a manner that is contrary to your wishes. But I will tell you what I have to say in a single breath; please heed me patiently. You can communicate your decision to me once I return from Ajantha.” When Sivakami heard these words, she became somewhat placated and less agitated.
Naganandi started relating his tale again from the beginning, “The instant I saw you at your father’s residence, you usurped the place in my heart that was previously occupied by my brother and the Chalukya Kingdom. Since then all my thoughts and actions became flawed. The Vatapi Emperor’s invasion of the southern country was not a success only on account of those mistakes. Ah! Your tender heart would melt if only you knew how much mental torture I had experienced those days. On one hand, the fiery love I felt for you scorched my heart. At the same time the intense envy I felt towards those associated with you, your friends and those whom you loved seared my mortal body. You would have been shocked had you been aware of the ferocious conflict akin to the war between the Devas and the Asuras[i] that was raging in my heart then. At one point of time I used to feel an uncontrollable fury and urge to kill all those associated with you. But I lost the courage to do so as I feared that you will lose your affection for me if you came to know of this. I had several opportunities to kill Mamallan and Mahendra Pallavan. But they survived because I was scared of the consequences should you come to know. Didn’t Paranjyothi rescue you from the mad elephant the day he arrived at Kanchi? It was for this reason I helped him escape from the prison and brought him to your house. I could not bear the sight of you expressing your gratitude to him. Kalaivani! I was also jealous of your father’s influence on you. But as he was fortunate to beget you, I saved him from the soldier who was about to wield the sword on him. Since then, I have been gloating about my hands as these were the hands that saved your father.”
Hearing this, Sivakami’s heart truly melted. “This bikshu may be a merciless demon; his heart may be the abode of a ghost; the blood flowing in his veins may contain snake venom. But hadn’t he saved my father’s life on account of his love for me?” thought Sivakami. Understanding Sivakami’s train of thought, the bikshu spoke further like one possessed, “Listen to me, Sivakami! I had saved Aayanar because he had given birth to you. Let me cite an example to illustrate how I sought revenge on those who antagonize you. Haven’t you lived fearlessly in Vatapi unaffected by any danger all these years? You may have probably guessed the reason for this. It was only because everyone knew that you were living under my protection that no one approached you. One woman in the palace was envious of this. She was the Chief Consort’s sister. That woman, who was endowed with a venomous mind, tried hard to seduce me. As she was not successful, she started bad-mouthing you. ‘Do I lack the beauty of the artist from Kanchi?’ she had asked. The following day, when she neared me, I held her hand and scratched her with my finger nail. She slept that night, woke up the following day morning and saw herself in the mirror. That was it; she lost her mental stability and became deranged! She was looking so hideous. She left this city without informing anyone and was loitering around the mountains for long. Now she has joined the kabalikas and is feeding herself by engaging in cannibalism…”
Sivakami was again gripped with fear; she wished that this frenzied bikshu would leave soon. “Sivakami! A few days ago I inadvertently met that embodiment of Kali[ii]. Do you know what she said? ‘Swamigal! You are bound to hand over you lover, Sivakami, to me one day. My hunger will be satiated only if I consume her body!’ said that mad woman. She thinks that I will hand over your body to her for her to consume. She did not realize that my hunger for you is a hundred times more intense than hers! How will she understand the ardour that grips me every time I see you that makes me want to gobble you up?”
Suddenly Naganandi Bikshu was transformed into a python. It seemed to Sivakami that he was approaching her like a python that was nearing her with its mouth wide open and its forked tongue protruding out with the intention of gorging her. As she moved back with her eyes tightly shut, she shrieked, “Aiyyo!” Naganandi laughed and said, “Sivakami! Did you get scared? Open your eyes and see. It’s me, the bikshu, who is speaking!” Sivakami opened her eyes. She realized that the sight she had seen some time ago was a fantasy. Nevertheless her eyes were filled with fear. Naganandi stood up and said, “Sivakami! Think about all what I had said! You seem to think that I’ve gone mad! Fortunately, I have not yet become mad. I still possess clarity of thought. But if the love I bear towards you is not reciprocated, I may become crazy in a few days. Then, I cannot predict my actions.
Sivakami, I will take leave of you. You must strengthen your resolve and communicate your decision to me when I return. I am about to perform a sacrifice for your sake whose magnitude far exceeds all the sacrifices I have made for you thus far. You will come to know about it before I return. After you come to know about it, you cannot but feel mercy for me.” After speaking thus, Naganandi gazed at Sivakami with uncontrollable eagerness for some time. He then abruptly walked towards the entrance. Long after the bikshu had left, Sivakami was trembling.
[i] Devas and Asuras – Gods and demons respectively
[ii] Kali – An angry embodiment of Goddess Parvathi
