HOUSESPOUSE CORNER: MAKING YOUR OWN MARMALADE

If you’re anything like me, the hours when The Husband is at work can be long and lonely. You forgot how to do knitting, the children have grown up and gone to live with a foster family, and the cats are long dead. You need activity in your day!

But don’t waste your time studying for that master’s degree or meeting new friends – those things are for lesbians, and people who know how to work computers! Thankfully my blog has a new feature, ‘Housespouse Corner’, where we’ll give you plenty of tips for whittling away the hours to the grave. Today we’ll be learning how to make our own marmalade! Fun! Stop cutting yourself!

 

Ingredients

1000 demigrams of sugar (2 oz.)

A spoon

50 mg. Xanax

Another spoon

A small mental box to store away your resentment

Hope

The only bowl in the kitchen left unbroken after your last ‘episode’

Oil (1 drum, any kind)

An orange

 

Step One

Get dressed. The neighbours can see you.

 

Step Two

Don’t wear that, that’s the shirt you wore when you discovered all those text messages on his phone. It is spiritually soiled.

 

Step Three

Stop crying, take the Xanax.

 

Step Four

Take the bowl from the cupboard, making sure to chip away the residue of old cornflakes.

 

Step Four

Call him to make sure he’s really at work and isn’t at your sister’s house again.

 

Step Five

Cry. Fall asleep (80 minutes).

 

Step Six

Wake up to discover you are naked. Why does that keep happening?

 

Step Seven

Go fill the bird feeder with poison.

 

Step Eight

DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN

 

Step Nine

Sleep (sudden; unplanned – 90 minutes).

 

Step Ten

Watch two soap operas at once, flicking between them every 20 seconds (30 minutes).

 

Step Eleven

Write death threats to the foster family.

 

Step Twelve

Phone him again. No answer. Gather up the dead birds. Place them into his half of the bed.

 

Step Thirteen

The clock ticks away your mortality. Put the sugar into the bowl. The bowl is too small. Break the bowl.

 

Step Fourteen

MISSING MEMORIES

 

Step Fifteen

Peel the orange or something.

 

Step Sixteen

Split the orange into thirds. Name each segment after the children. Eat the segments.

 

Step Seventeen

Fill the bathtub with the oil. Place his clothes into the bathtub.

 

Step Eighteen

It’s 6:30pm! Time for bed! Sleep (18 hours).

 

There we have it – delicious marmalade! Good for breakfast, snacks, and even as a thoughtful gift, even if you don’t know anyone who deserves it! Join us next time when we learn how to perform hexes!

Happy baking – or as they say in France, la mort est la miséricorde!

- Redfern

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